Her blog is legit!
http://rachelrae.me/2012/10/24/dear-god-im-mad-at-you/
Check it out!
Monday, October 29, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Circles
I lay on my back on the floor in the middle of my room. Thinking, praying. Open my eyes to see the blur of the ceiling fan above me. I pick out one singular blade and follow it with my eyes around and around until it hurts my head and then I close my eyes again. The fan blade going around and around parallels the series of circling questions going round and round in my head. What does God want me to do? Proclaim His gospel, show His love. How does He want me to do that? Does it even matter? I wanted to do that through being a strength and conditioning coach. But I don't know if that's what He wants. It is one of the few things in life I feel I am good at. However, during this time without it He has shown me that I made it an idol. I sought joy and comfort from a job. I found identity and purpose in a job instead of God. I'm sorry for that and I am trying to change. Hopefully this break from strength and conditioning is just that, a break, meaning that I will resume with a more proper perspective. If it is not a break, then I will seek the Holy Spirit to empower me for whatever else God has in store for this bond slave and I will try to do it joyfully and willfully. Try is italicized because I am selfish. But I long to be obedient. God change me. Change my heart. Continue to mold me. Help me love you more than anything or anyone. Help me not to make an idol out of anything or anyone.
In the meantime I don't know what to do. How do I serve God, here and now. I've never felt drawn to jobs for money but at the same time I'm an adult, I should be providing for myself and not relying on my parents. For the past month I've been incredibly lazy and I hate it. Also, I can't give to the Kingdom of God if I'm not earning anything. So do I get a job just to have one? Do I try to volunteer or do something related to field of strength and conditioning? How do I know which of opportunities God has put in front of me are for me and which are for me to turn down. I pray that God would reveal what He wants me to do. Put something on my heart, that I would clearly know it was from Him. I have passions and desires I feel like can be used for the glory of God but if I am to lay them down I will. I just want some direction. I pray that He will give that to me because I don't feel like I am honoring God or spreading His name when I just sit inside my house all day. I want to be a good steward of my time and my talents. I hope the Lord will reveal something to me soon because I am starting to go crazy.
In the meantime I don't know what to do. How do I serve God, here and now. I've never felt drawn to jobs for money but at the same time I'm an adult, I should be providing for myself and not relying on my parents. For the past month I've been incredibly lazy and I hate it. Also, I can't give to the Kingdom of God if I'm not earning anything. So do I get a job just to have one? Do I try to volunteer or do something related to field of strength and conditioning? How do I know which of opportunities God has put in front of me are for me and which are for me to turn down. I pray that God would reveal what He wants me to do. Put something on my heart, that I would clearly know it was from Him. I have passions and desires I feel like can be used for the glory of God but if I am to lay them down I will. I just want some direction. I pray that He will give that to me because I don't feel like I am honoring God or spreading His name when I just sit inside my house all day. I want to be a good steward of my time and my talents. I hope the Lord will reveal something to me soon because I am starting to go crazy.
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