Purgatory

"Do I fear the unknown more than I fear this place?"

Located between heaven and hell.  It is neither bad nor good yet has resemblances and characteristics of both.  It involves a process of purification... a being made ready for Heaven.  Is that where I am now?  Is that technically what earth is?  A place we wait and are purified before we depart or our Savior returns.  Sometimes I feel like that defines this season of my life.  An ebb and flow of emotions that leave me always questioning and wondering.  Some days I am fine.  Is that in itself a sign of purification... that I am trusting God... being patient... growing, learning, developing.  Or is that a negative sign... have I been lulled to sleep... have I been lied to... have I become complacent here without chasing my dream?  Other days I am not fine, I become filled with anger, frustration, and bitterness.  Is that bad?  Does it mean I do not trust God?  That I am living in my circumstances and I'm missing the bigger picture?  or  Is it good because it motivates me?  Awakens me from my slumber and makes me hungry for more?  Then a flash of hope, a glimpse of change arises but I hesitate to reach for it.  Why?  Like someone institutionalized in prison, am I now just a shell of who I once was?  Do I fear the unknown more than I fear this place?  This state of mind... this season.
The pros and cons lists are already formulating in my mind.  It is only a matter of time until they find their way onto paper.  The church, the bible study, the lifting club, the closeness to friends and family vs the dependence on my parents, the lack of freedom, embarrassment, the feeling of being left behind, forgotten, the loneliness, and who could for get my friends anger and frustration.  Length of lists does not determine the winner, no, it is quality over quantity.  Will I even have the choice?  Honestly, I'd rather not choose but be forced into the one that is right for me.  Be left with one option is better than making a choice and wondering what could have been.  Maybe my sentence here is not up yet, part of me is ok with that... the part that fears the unknown, hates change, and is reluctant to start over again... new job, new church, new friends.  That part loves routine, consistency, planning, control, and predictability.  Another part of me seeks escape.  It longs for adventure, freedom, independence, maybe even pride.  It hates the embarrassment, the dependence, the restriction... it fuels the anger and frustration.  Neither part seems to be biblical.  Both are sinful.

So here I lay.  Torn between the two.

Michael Jordan

 Who'd believe he was once cut from a team?

Today I am thankful for Michael Jordan.  That is a weird thing to be thankful for I know but allow me to explain.  I like every other person in the world, especially every other American, am incredibly blessed.  I also, like every other person (especially Americans), loose sight of that fact daily.  Sometimes I can't see past my circumstances to realize the truth... that I am blessed, that I am loved.  My perspective is off.

My last blog was about learning to be content in my current circumstances.  It was my attempt at trying to begin to understand what Paul talks about in Philippians 4:11 (only not as serious because unlike Paul I have never been shipwrecked, lost at sea, beaten, stoned, starved, or imprisoned).  However, days later it became clear that I am nowhere close to understanding this lesson as I found myself trapped and disoriented in a negativity avalanche.  A negativity avalanche is when a small negative thought/event/act snowballs and grows into a large amount of negativeness right before hitting you so hard you don't know which way is up or down.  Inside this negativity avalanche people would try to give me Bible verses but it didn't help.  I knew them but I didn't feel them... believe them, or maybe I was just choosing not to.  All I could see was the negativeness that kept me there, frustrated and claustrophobic. I was angry again.  I was bitter again.  I couldn't see outside of the negativity.  I was 26 living at home with no job and it seemed so permanent again.  I was a failure again.  I used to be important, people used to look up to me, respect me... and now this... again.

But God was with me inside of that negativity avalanche.  I was ignoring Him.  I don't know why but I was resenting and resisting Him.  I was comparing myself to others.  That is one of the worst things you can do.  I would always tell my athletes in the weight room not to compare themselves with others.  Only compare yourself with yourself and monitor your own progress.  Other people may have been lifting longer, may be naturally stronger or naturally more gifted at certain movement or skill.  Just do the best you can and quantify your success based off where you came from.  But here I am doing the same thing, pointing at others and questioning God.  I don't even understand my own journey and walk... who then am I to question someone else's?  Who am I to question God?  God has a plan for them and God has a plan for me.  Both those plans are unique to God's divine and ultimate Kingdom purpose.

What does this have to do with Michael Jordan?  Lately I have been cleaning out my house.  Going through closets, drawers, boxes, etc and throwing stuff away.  Yesterday I can across a small newspaper clipping of a picture of Michael Jordan dunking a basketball and a caption that said "Who'd believe he was once cut from a team"  I was reminded of a God who loved me and of the intimate relationship he has with me.  His sovereignty.  Out of all the Michael Jordan posters, magazine and newspaper articles I could have kept... I kept that one.  That God knows I love sports and basketball so that is what He uses to get my attention.  To pull me out of the avalanche he shows me a newspaper clipping that he probably had me keep just to encourage me now.

When you think of Michael Jordan what do you think of?  The greatest basketball player of all time.  One of the greatest athletes of all time.  The tongue.  The shoes.  The mvps, titles, and rings.  The step-back, fade-away jump shots.  And of course the dunks.  Everybody knows the story of Michael Jordan getting cut off his 7th grade basketball team.  But when you think about Jordan you don't remember that... at least I don't.  You forget that his greatness was forged out of trial.  Out of disappointment.  Out of temporary failure.  God reminded me that my situation is temporary and inspired me to do everything I can right now to make myself better.  I will be reading, I will be learning, I will be teaching, and I will be coaching.  I will be working and preparing for the next opportunity I am given.   I will be reading my Bible, praying, and trying my best to walk with my Lord and Savior.

Today I am thankful for Michael Jordan and the God who used a newspaper clipping and his story to remind me of His intimate love and sovereignty.  I am thankful that even when I am ready to give up on myself He doesn't give up on me.  I have put the newspaper clipping on my bathroom mirror.  It might not be scripture but to me it might as well be.

Maybe i lead you to believe it was easy when it wasn't...

Maybe its my fault that you didn't see that failure gave me strength, 

that my pain was my motivation...

The Grass is Always Greener

     It's weird how I always want something more out of life, only to get to a new stage and lose one aspect in hopes of gaining another.  When I was at NC State I was taking hard college classes (for me at least), working long, odd hours in the weight room and spending any spare time I had from work, class, and homework at church, bible study, or with my friends.  I thought if I could just work and not go to school I would enjoy life so much more.  I'd have more time to spend with my friends and going to church related activities.  Then in graduate school at Auburn, I loved working in the weight room with the college athletes but I again couldn't wait to be done with school, however, now I had no church and very few friends.  Then finally I graduated from all school... done! (as far as I know, God willing)  Finally I just have work!  But again no church and no friends.  Waking up at 4:30am Monday - Friday and getting home every night at 6-6:30.  I was exhausted.  I wanted to sleep until my body woke me up.  Now I am here.  In whatever stage you want to call this.  I sleep in everyday until my body wakes me up.  No more nights of 5-6 hours getting up long before the sun and guess what, I hate it.  I hate having nothing to do.  No job, living at home... I feel like a loser.  But I have to enjoy this time.  There are benefits.  I am getting rest.  I have much more time to spend with God, who I wandered so far away from the past 3 years.  I found a church and a bible study that I really enjoy.  I am close to my family (arguably too close) and friends.  I am part of a weightlifting lifting team, which I love and is so much fun. God is showing me a lot.  He is teaching me about Himself and about prayer.  I have time to write people letters and send people emails with Bible verses.  Do I want to get a job... absolutely.  Do I miss my athletes in Auburn... more than they'll ever know.  I think about them everyday.  When I lived in Auburn I was mad because I didn't have a church or church family, but I did have a family in that weight room.  I should have been more thankful for that.  I should have cherished that more.  This blog is very cliche, I know.  But like my uncle jokingly says, "It's not the destination, its the journey."  He is right.  I saw a facebook status from a former athlete of mine that sums up exactly what I am learning.

"Learn to enjoy where you're at on your way to where you're going."

That grabbed my attention.  God brought me here for a reason.  He wants to teach me things, show me things, strengthen our relationship for whatever is next.  God took me to Auburn for a reason.  Or maybe He didn't, maybe I just went, but either way He didn't give up on me and He is still trying to lead me to where He wants me.  I am here.  This is where I am, like it or not.  I've been angry and frustrated enough and it has gotten me nowhere.  It still happens sometimes.  The thoughts and feelings creep back in.  But all those thoughts and feelings profit nothing... I am here.  So while I am here, I should learn to enjoy here... I should learn to take advantage and be thankful for whatever here has.  Because there will be a day, hopefully sooner than I think, that I will not be here.  And there might be something here I miss or wish I still had.

"I will learn to love the skies I'm under"

                          - Hopeless Wanderer           

                                Mumford & Sons

Rachel Rae Barnette (Part II)

Her blog is legit!


http://rachelrae.me/2012/10/24/dear-god-im-mad-at-you/


Check it out!

Circles

      I lay on my back on the floor in the middle of my room.  Thinking, praying.  Open my eyes to see the blur of the ceiling fan above me.  I pick out one singular blade and follow it with my eyes around and around until it hurts my head and then I close my eyes again.  The fan blade going around and around parallels the series of circling questions going round and round in my head.  What does God want me to do?  Proclaim His gospel, show His love.  How does He want me to do that?  Does it even matter?  I wanted to do that through being a strength and conditioning coach.  But I don't know if that's what He wants.  It is one of the few things in life I feel I am good at.  However, during this time without it He has shown me that I made it an idol.  I sought joy and comfort from a job.  I found identity and purpose in a job instead of God.  I'm sorry for that and I am trying to change.  Hopefully this break from strength and conditioning is just that, a break, meaning that I will resume with a more proper perspective.  If it is not a break, then I will seek the Holy Spirit to empower me for whatever else God has in store for this bond slave and I will try to do it joyfully and willfully.  Try is italicized because I am selfish.  But I long to be obedient.  God change me.  Change my heart.  Continue to mold me.  Help me love you more than anything or anyone.  Help me not to make an idol out of anything or anyone.
     In the meantime I don't know what to do.  How do I serve God, here and now.  I've never felt drawn to jobs for money but at the same time I'm an adult, I should be providing for myself and not relying on my parents.  For the past month I've been incredibly lazy and I hate it.  Also, I can't give to the Kingdom of God if I'm not earning anything.  So do I get a job just to have one?  Do I try to volunteer or do something related to field of strength and conditioning?  How do I know which of opportunities God has put in front of me are for me and which are for me to turn down.  I pray that God would reveal what He wants me to do.  Put something on my heart, that I would clearly know it was from Him.  I have passions and desires I feel like can be used for the glory of God but if I am to lay them down I will.  I just want some direction.  I pray that He will give that to me because I don't feel like I am honoring God or spreading His name when I just sit inside my house all day.  I want to be a good steward of my time and my talents.  I hope the Lord will reveal something to me soon because I am starting to go crazy.

Anger and Frustration

i don't get it.  is there something im missing?!  someone please tell me, i want to know.  i feel like im taking crazy pills.  everyone can't keep saying, "it was nothing you did or didn't do."  obviously it was something i did or didn't do because you aren't giving me the job.  at least the last guy called me back.  most people don't have the balls.  already i know im better than you at your job because i have balls, a spine, and character and obviously are in need of all 3.  just by not calling me back you've shown me that im better than you.  why do you have a job?  i cant get a job with a master's degree, 2 certifications, and 8 years of work related experience.  the past 3 years ive been a full time strength coach who got payed part time, yet everywhere i go there's someone with a job that has no master's degree, no certifications, had no experience but they got a job.  so what is it?  you tell me i need experience but i already have it and they have none.  somebody please explain this to me because it makes no sense.  i get up at 4am, i never slept in, i never showed up late, my athletes liked me, any strength coach ive ever worked for liked me... what is it?  if its cause im a white male at least have the balls to tell me that.  if its because im not as good as the other candidate, i want to meet the other candidate, i want to watch the other candidate's athletes train, i want to seem their athletes do cleans, snatches, and squat in the hole.  i don't believe you.  i love my job but i hate my profession.  dinosaurs of the field fall backwards into jobs as the profession began and they are considered gurus.  some are great dont get me wrong, some cant coach and dont know/understand basic physiology.  but they are the pioneers of the field, they have been doing this for 30 years.  just because you have been doing something for a long time does not make you good at it, it is quite possible to do something wrong for a long time... it happens often in this profession.  and why are football strength coaches revered as the best of our field?  they have the easiest job!  football players are already big, strong, and fast.  trying training females, try training athlete who have never lifted before, trying training athletes who participate in a sport where lifting is not part of the culture, trying training a sport where the sport coach doesn't back you and doesn't put an emphasis on lifting... you wouldn't know the first thing.  but you're a football strength coach, you are the best of the best ha.  then you get a job where you have to assist with football and you're in charge of tennis, track, or volleyball and you don't know how to train them.. you call an olympic guy and ask.  they are athletes you incompetent neanderthal!  they are the same as football players, they run, jump, throw, kick, rotate, slow down, speed up, dive, etc... they push into the ground and use their whole body!  its not hard.  but you are the best of the best.  you are also lazy football strength coach.  you think you arent because you work long, unnecessary hours to justify how grossly overpaid you are but you are.  you want nothing more than to rid yourself of every olympic sport you might have to help with.  if they don't play football they arent even athletes.  if you are a female, well them im sorry you were born with such an unfortunate reproductive system.  haha i dont get it! athletes that play volleyball, soccer, swim, dive, golf, softball, etc, etc are people! they are people.  they deserve the same attention and respect.  and to be honest id rather work with them because they are appreciative, tougher, and more hard working than your football player.  yes that is correct, the team you want nothing to do with is the one i would prefer to train.  you dont know how to train them because it requires a plan, progression, knowledge of strength and conditioning, and a fully functional brain.  what they arent already super strong and aggressive, how do you teach them to be that way?  what they have never lifted before and they dont know how to do the exercises, i dont feel like showing them.  there sport doesnt make millions of dollars, no one cares.  not only do you not know how to train them, you don't want to train them... so give them to me.  i want to train them.  i delight in training them.  i love them.  my other favorite is the functional nba strength coach.  you are an athletic trainer that doesnt know how to make gatorade or operate a stim machine.  all you do is rehab exercises.  you know why the letters re are in rehabilitation because those exercises are to get you back to where you were before an injury or surgery... they are not strength training exercises!  no basketball court is made of bosu ball, physioball, or dyna-disc like material... they are all 94ft of flat hard wood... you are not cutting edge, you are an idoit.  the nsca is a joke, the cscca is an even bigger joke.  if i made a parody of what the cscca is it would fail in comparison to the hilarity of the real thing.  both good intention, both a far cry from what this profession needs to be respected.  its ok to set the standard high.  but some people might not pass.  yea thats the point.  except in this profession a lot of those people who wouldnt pass are considered gurus and giants of the field and that might embarrass them.  they might not feel smart and powerful and cocky and arrogant anymore. tell me that i need experience... its a good thing i have 8 years worth.  tell me education is important... you are lying to yourself and everyone else... how many strength coaches have an undergraduate degree that would allow them to apply to med school?  how many have taken 2 quantum chemistry classes, 2 organic chemistry classes, biochemistry, 2 physics, genetics, human anatomy, human physiology, 2 biology classes, 5 nutrition classes?  how many coaches don't have masters degrees?  there are always strength coaches without master's degrees... if i need education and i have it and they don't have it, how do they have a job and i dont?  am i high on some kind of drug?  please what am i missing?  call my references.  call any person i have EVER worked with or for.  ask anything you want.  how many people can say that.  call any person ive ever worked with or for and ask them anything you want and i guarantee they will tell you i did a good job, they will tell you i worked hard, they will tell you to hire me, they will genuinely, honestly endorse me.  what am i missing?  i can't get a job and its infuriating.  i cant prove that im better than anyone.  athletes are freaks.  it almost doesn't matter what you do, as long as they think they are getting better and you dont hurt them.  i can back my training philosophies up with science, can you?  go out and flip some more tires, look at the crossfit wod to get some ideas... maybe you should do more trx, i heard from an nba strength coach that trx is really good.  whatever you do, don't tell people to squat below 90 degrees of knee flexion, dont tell people to pick heavy objects off the ground, accelerate them violently and using speed, kinesthetic awareness, balance, stability, mobility, and athleticism catch them at the shoulder or overhead. dont do plyos or lift overhead or work on single leg strength.  dont keep things simple and consistent while at the same time challenging the athlete with load.  DO NOT DO THAT.  it will only make your athletes stronger, more powerful, more coordinated, and more athletic... but it will NOT get you a job.  so keep using your sledge hammer, board bench, quarter squats, chains, bands (the more the better i say), trx's, physioballs, bosu balls, dyna discs, and always remember to do as many forearms and floor abs as time will allow because nothing screams athleticism like lying on your back, contorting your neck, while trying to fold yourself in half.  i used to have passion and enthusiasm, now all i have is anger and frustration... in heavy doses.

(sorry the quality is poor but this is how i feel inside)

i know this blog is cynical, sarcastic, and negative but i few minutes ago i was thinking about just typing a string profanities in all caps.  i know thats a bad attitude but its the one i have right now and this is cleansing to me.  i am getting it all out so i can move on.  i hope and pray that God will change me so in the future a comparable event will not shake me but for right now that is not the case.  i may not be right in behaving this way, i may not be godly, but i am at least being honest and real.  im upset. i poured my heart and soul into something for the past 8 years and no one will let me do it.  i cant describe my frustration in words.

Rachel Rae Barnette

I think it was Spring of 2009 the last time I worked with Rachel.  She was a member of NC State's women's soccer team and she was transferring to Cincinnati.  She asked if she could still train in the weight room and if I would be willing to help her.  I remember she was tough and that she worked really hard.  She didn't shy away from anything.  We kept in touch sparingly after she left because we shared the same passion for strength and conditioning.  Recently she had been posting Bible verses and things about God on her facebook account, which I found encouraging.  Last week I received a mass email from Rachel notifying everyone that she would be joining a mission trip called the World Race.  She has a blog and when I read it I knew that she was changed.  It was so exciting to read and hear how on fire for God she is and how much she is ready to go out and love on people.  I am attaching her blog and her World Race page below.  I hope you will consider donating some money to her, even if it is $5.  I have raised money like that before and every little bit really does matter.  No amount is too small.  But if you don't feel called to give, I hope at the very least you will pray for her and her teammates and they go out to spread and glorify the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ in 11 different countries.

Rachel's Blog
http://rachelrae.me/

Rachel's Word Race Site
http://rachelbarnette.theworldrace.org/

What I Was Trying to Say

     I can't remember the last time I cried before I said goodbye to you, it has been years.  I honestly didn't anticipate getting so choked up.  It made it hard to remember everything I wanted to say, I guess I needed notecards or a powerpoint presentation because I'm not very good off the cuff.  I didn't even really get a chance to say goodbye to women's tennis.  So to all my athletes at Auburn here is what I meant to tell to you when I was leaving:

     I have thoroughly enjoyed working with you all over the past few years.  You have been a joy to coach and I have enjoyed getting to know you and see you develop as a person.  Before I leave I want to make sure you realize a few things.

     First, you have an amazing opportunity comprised of several opportunities.  You have the opportunity to play a sport in college, how awesome is that?  Think about how excited the 12 year old version of yourself would have been to find out they were going to compete in the SEC for Auburn in their sport.  Take a step back and try to reflect on how awesome the opportunity you have is.  Try to bring that child-like enthusiasm with you everyday.  Don't ever let this opportunity become mundane or ordinary because it is anything but that.  Take advantage of every chance you have to become a better athlete whether its meeting with the nutritionist, athletic trainer, working with the strength coaches, or in practice.  Work hard and never become complacent.  There is always something else you can do to become better.
      Also, you have the opportunity to obtain a college degree in an area of your choosing.  You can find something that you are interested in, something you are passionate about... something you enjoy doing.  Work hard in the classroom.  Pay attention in class, don't text or get on facebook, you can do that later.  If you are in class listen, read, and write... if you do that, you will spend less of the time you have outside of class studying because you heard the material the first time.  If you are in an easy class, don't skip... attend and try to learn.  If it still isn't worth your time, and I know sometimes it isn't (I've been there), use it as a study hall to do work for a more difficult class.  Challenge yourself in the classroom the same way you would in practice or the weight room.  Education is an important opportunity, find something you love and learn as much as you can about it.
     Maybe the most important opportunity of all is the opportunity you have to be part of a team.  Look around at your team, people from all over the country... all over the world, people from all walks of life who have put aside their differences to achieve a common goal.  It is a family.  The relationships you build with your team will last a lifetime.  Your teammates will help you and challenge you as an athlete and as a person.  Learn from them, encourage them, help them, and love them.  Because they are more family than friends, remember that there will be times when you don't get along and thats ok as long as their is an underlying root of mutual respect and love.  Don't be caddy, petty, or mean, and don't hold grudges.  Listen and learn; forgive and forget.  Think about where you would be in your sport if you trained alone without your teammates to push you.  The team is ultimately yours, not your coach's, not your trainer's, not your strength coach's... yours.  It is going to go where you take it, so accept responsibility, believe in each other, and battle with each other.  Build relationships and make memories that you will cherish forever.
     Keep in mind opportunities are not guarantees.  You can't just show up and expect to get better and build relationships, it takes hard, intentional work and a good attitude.  Take full advantage of every opportunity you are given.

     Second, I believe that sports exist and are popular for 2 reasons... one of those reasons is they develop character.  I don't care where it happens, it could be in practice, in competition, in the weight room, on the team bus but I hope that you learn something through sports that makes you a better person.  I hope this has already happened but if it hasn't I pray that it happens soon.  I hope that through your participation in sports you develop or improve on a quality (such as respect, focus, discipline, leadership, work ethic, teamwork, consistency, responsibility, relentlessness, selflessness, etc) that makes you a better employee/employer, husband/wife, mom/dad, overall person.  I hope you have learned or will learn something that you can apply to life, something that you will take with you and share with others, something that makes you a better person.  I think sports are a great way to learn about yourself, learn from others, and become a better person.  The second reason I believe that sports exist is because they are fun.  Why did you start playing in the first place, to get a college scholarship?  I doubt it.  I bet you wanted to participate in whatever sport you play now because it was fun and you liked it.  I hope you still do.  I hope you always do.  I know its probably not possible to love it everyday but overall you should be having fun.  I think you can have fun working hard, pushing yourself, and being challenged by your coaches and teammates.  Its ok to laugh and smile while giving it your all.  If it isn't fun, why are you doing it?  Why are you wasting so much time and energy if there is no joy or satisfaction?  You could be doing other things, focusing on school, spending time with friends, doing internships, working, or partying.  If at the end of the day you aren't having fun then don't waste your coach's time, your teammate's time, or your own time.  Do things with passion and enthusiasm or don't do them at all.  Now, how do you keep it fun?  How do you keep it from becoming a job or a chore?  Try to keep in mind that it is supposed to be fun.  Remind your teammates and yourself.  Encourage your teammates and celebrate with them when they/you achieve individual or team goals.  Work hard to keep a proper perspective, its just a game.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you should be lazy or not try very hard but what I am saying is keep in mind that there are more important things in life (God, family, friends, etc).  Try to find balance in your life (this balance will be different for each individual).  Make time for some type of hobby outside of school and athletics where your mind and body can go and rest.  Go to church, read your Bible, pray, go for walks, volunteer, paint, play music, journal, join an economics club, or some other extracurricular activity.  Take the emphasis off of your life, your struggles and focus on someone else.  Make friends with athletes on other teams who understand your life style but won't be talking about the sport you compete in all the time.  Make friends with people that don't play sports at all.  Have conversations about things outside of school and athletics.  Become a well rounded person.  I know that your time is scarce but try to do the best you can to manage it so that you can occasionally have time to rest.  I bet you'll find having a mental outlet away from school and athletics helps you become more refreshed during practices instead of feeling burnt out.

     Finally, remember that athletics are a part of your life, they are not your life.  Don't create a life that revolves around sports.  Don't let sports and your success in them become your identity.  Your sport is something you do, not who you are.  You are not a swimmer, a diver, a tennis player, or a volleyball player... you are a person who swims, dives, plays tennis or volleyball.  Your self-worth is not in a win or loss, a time, or a score.  And while you should strive to become the best athlete you possibly can, keep in mind that its just a part of who you are and it is supposed to be fun!  One day your athletic career will be over and you should miss competing, practices, and being around teammates but you should be able to cope.  It shouldn't be the end of the world, it should be an exciting time in your life to pursue other interests.  I pray that you would find your identity in Christ because that relationship can never be taken from you (Romans 8:38-39).

     I ramble a lot so if you made it this far I want to end by saying something to you that you said so many times to me and that is... thank you!  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be a part of your lives.  Thank you for being appreciative.  Thank you for making my job fun.  Thank you for making me laugh and brightening my days.  Thank you for helping me to grow and improve as a coach and as a person.  Thank you for being the reason that I love my job.  As you may know I love squats, snatches, cleans, pullups, and yes even inchworms but I love you more.  I hope you already knew that without me telling you, but in case you didn't, I love you.  I will miss you more than you'll probably ever know or understand.  We are family.  You are all my younger brothers and sisters.  That's why I made fun of you, thats why I picked on you, and that's why I got so sad leaving you.  But I think thats a good thing, it would have been bad to be able to leave without feeling anything.  It would have meant the time we spent together wasn't important and we didn't develop a meaningful relationship, but that clearly wasn't the case, at least not on my end.

     In closing, I'm very proud of you, I love you, and I'll miss you.  Good luck this season.  I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your time at Auburn both on and off the court, in and out of the pool.  I will be cheering you on from afar.  I hope that you have the best, most amazing experience as a college athlete.  I hope you learn and grow as an athlete but more importantly as a person.  Don't be afraid of failure, its a merely an indicator of where you are at that time.  Remember there are no bad practices, there are just some practices where you realize you haven't reached your full potential yet.  No matter what the score or situation is, don't ever give up, keep battling with your team until the end.  I hope you leave this campus as a stronger athlete and stronger person than when you arrived.  Please keep in touch and let me know where you end up and what you are doing when your time at Auburn is done.  If there is anything I can ever do for you or you ever need someone to talk to, someone to listen, somebody to remind you that its just a game and there's a bigger picture, or just want to keep in touch and let me know how you are doing... don't hesitate to email me, text me, or call me.  God has a plan for your life (Jeremiah 29:11) and I can't wait to see where you end up going and what you end up doing.

Your #1 fan,

Alex

cell: (252) 717-9608
email: alexlee42@gmail.com
skype: alex_lee42

Opportunity

This morning I woke up at my parents house in Greenville, North Carolina.  Usually that would make me really excited because it would mean I'm on vacation, but today is different.  Laying in my bed I looked out my window at the early morning sky.  It was a foggy bluish gray.  If I could describe how I feel right now with a color or a picture that would be it.  Blah.  I am a roller coaster of emotions.  My life has never been more uncertain.  And all the highs and lows inside of me are mixed together and even out to this foggy, gray color.

As a child you go to kindergarten, go home and play; then you go to elementary school, go to soccer practice, piano practice; then it's middle school followed by high school with more practices, plays, etc.  Next you go to college, vocational school, or get a job.  Then you go to more school or get a job.  What happens when you are done with one stage of life but you can't get to the next one?  When you are stuck in purgatory... what do you do then?  That's where I am but I don't know what to do.    

Laying there staring at the sky, it might as well been a painting of my emotions, I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes.  "Why do so many people dread adversity when it is only through adversity that we grow stronger." - John Wooden  I am experiencing some adversity now.  Like heavy weights and most problems in life, adversity must be attacked.  Crying won't help me, even though I wanted to from time to time on the drive back yesterday.  Anger and frustration won't produce anything positive, even though there were also points when I wanted to scream the f word at the top of my lungs in the car yesterday.  No one would've heard it, and it wouldn't make me feel better.  I thought about something Coach D said months ago.  He was trying to follow a vigorous weight lifting regimen with Mike and David and due to his slight age difference he got a little banged up.  He couldn't squat so he said his injury was an opportunity to become an RDL specialist.  That's what I have right now... an opportunity.   An opportunity to strengthen my trust and faith in Christ.  An opportunity to seek God's will for my life and discover ways I can honor and further His Kingdom.  An opportunity to become a better, stronger witness of His love.

Before I left Auburn I told all my athletes that they had an amazing opportunity... to participate in collegiate athletics.  To grow as an athlete and as a person.  To put aside their differences and work with their teammates towards a common goal.  To make life long friends.  I wanted them to realize what they have so they would make the most of it and cherish it.  I too have an opportunity.  Mine just isn't quite as appealing as theirs but it is still an opportunity to get better and those must not be squandered.  On a heavy set of 10 for back squat the bar is going to move real slow on the last few reps, you can rack it or keep grinding them out.  I'm going to keep grinding even though its uncomfortable, quitting would be the easy thing to do and rarely in life is the easy thing the right thing to do.

Now I'm going to lift weights in my garage to try to restore some normalcy to my life.

Headaches and Nyquil

Things have been really up in the air for me lately but recently I got some news that gave me a little more direction.  I know that I will not be living in Auburn after the next few weeks.  My friend Phil was giving me a hard time and jokingly said this (Auburn) is your home now and as much as I hate to admit it, he's right.  But now I'm moving, to where I don't know.  It looks like either College Park, Maryland (hopefully) or home to Greenville, NC.  Starting over.  Its a combination of so many emotions that I don't know what it feels like.  As I'm looking at the boxes and emptiness in my room that is soon to become Phil's, I wonder where I'm about to be in a few days.  The space left by my packed belongings has been replaced by questions.  They are many and they are heavy.  They swirl around inside my head as the fan in room my oscillates.  They cause synapses in my brain to fire all throughout the night.  I wish my brain had an off switch.  The questions send me in search of an off switch, Mike's bottle of nyquil should do the trick... it is empty from last night's tossing and turning.  I stare at the ceiling, I stare at the computer screen... hoping to find answers or at least distractions but there are none.

I know that I won't miss Auburn the town or Auburn the university or Auburn the athletic department.  I will miss the people I worked with and for.  I will miss the athletes... I will miss them more than they will ever know or understand.  I love them like my family.  Maybe it hurts leaving because they won't be a part of my life anymore.  Maybe it hurts leaving because they don't feel the same.  Or maybe it hurts because I know their busy lives will go on and mine is possibly headed for a standstill.  Unemployment.  No reason to get up anymore.  No athletes to train.  No one to inspire.  No one to convince hitting yourself in the pelvis with a bar is a good thing.  No one's day to brighten.  Nothing.  Loser.  Failure.  I know I'm not those things... prove it... I can't.

I will miss my roommates.  I will miss Mike aka Leisure Mike aka Dad aka Miguel Jorgé Pasada aka Big Kahuna aka Red Gator.  He is the man.  The nicest, calmest, humblest, most patient person I've ever met.  I will miss that guy for sure.  Probably my best friend.  I've never gotten annoyed with him once.  I even try to annoy him but it doesn't work, he's too calm.  I wish we had the chance to work together.  I mean we did work together but I mean in a scenario where we were in charge.  I think we would be awesome.  We were in the summer of 2009 and knowing what we know now we'd be unstoppable.  But that will have to wait.  Maybe it will never happen.  I don't know but I going to miss that guy.  I know our friendship isn't over but its going to be weird not being around him.

There will be an enormous void left in my life.  I'm losing coaching, all my athletes, and several close  friends.  I'm losing the feeling of being somewhat important, valued, and respected.  But I have to control what I can control.  I have to control my attitude.  I have to battle these questions.  I have to battle my doubts and fears.  I know I'm not alone, I know God is with me.  I know He cares for me.  I know He wants good for me.  He is using this right now to grow and strengthen my faith and relationship with Him.  He is using it for good.  He is using it for His glory.  I'm still not at the point in my walk, like James, where I can be joyful about times like these but hopefully I'm on the path towards that.  I must stay my mind on Him.  Then I will find peace, He knows all the answers to the questions that constantly annoy my mind.  I must trust Him.  I must follow Him.  Lord teach me how to trust you.  Teach me to follow you.  Nyquil is a temporary off switch, trust in God is true rest and peace.

Hard to Concentrate

I was talking to a friend today, he's having his second daughter.  I still can't believe he is a dad.  Then I remember he has been a dad for 2 years!  Now he's about to have another kid.  I asked him about work and he told me he hates his job, he wishes he was back in middle school.  I've been wishing I was back in high school a lot lately.  I don't know what that means but I'm pretty sure its never good to desire to live in the past.  I hate all these big decisions I'm faced with.  My mind and heart are being pulled in so many different directions that I have no idea which way is up or down.  I have conversations with myself as I walk down the street.

I could stay here but I really don't like it here.  Then why would you stay here?  I feel a sense of loyalty, devotion, and maybe even love towards my athletes.  I have made somewhat of a home here.  But they aren't going to let you keep working with those athletes.  The two closest friend you have here, you already knew before you moved here.  You don't have a church home.  Then I'll leave.  You'll have to start over making friends, getting to know athletes, coworkers, the area, and visiting churches.  Remember how much you hated it here the first year.  You remember how bad that was don't you?  Fine, I'll go home.  I need a vacation anyway.  I need rest and I haven't been home in long time.  I'll get to visit some friends.  You'll be unemployed.  You'll have fun for a week or two but then you'll feel like a loser.  What are you going to do?  Work at a restaurant? A grocery store? Be a personal trainer?  Go to community college?  Come on man you aren't going to do any of those things.  What should I do then? I don't know but you better figure it out quick.  Summer is over.  You don't want to stay but you don't want to leave... what's wrong with you?  I don't know.

I get so attached to my athletes.  I almost think its a bad thing.  Maybe its a selfish attachment.  I would hate to leave them, it would hurt me so bad.  A lot more than it would hurt them... a lot more than they would ever understand.  I know they would be fine, left in perfectly capable hands... maybe thats what hurts, they don't need me.  I know they would be fine, I've done this before when I left NC State... maybe thats what hurts, I know they'll move on and one day they won't miss me.  One day we'll be strangers.  Time is a weird thing.  It can turn strangers into friends and friends into strangers.  But if I stay to avoid that pain, I won't even be able to work with them.  I don't like the idea of that.  Again I know they'd be fine and in more than capable hands but it would eat away at me.  Maybe thats selfish but I'm just being honest.  I don't know how to explain it, I put so much time and energy into them.  More than just physical time and energy, I invested my heart and emotions into them.  I think that's what makes me a good coach but I think it is also what is causing me so much heartache now.  They are why I do what I do.  Without them its just the same old same old... teaching people to pick things up and put them down... having people run when you blow a whistle... they are what makes this job special, unique, fun.  I would feel disloyal, like a traitor... like I abandoned them, used them to move up.  As if baseball is more important because its a revenue sport, its more appealing, of a higher status.  I don't care about that.  I care about the kids.  Moving sports and leaving them behind relays the same message the administration sends them, the very message I try to fight everyday... You don't really matter, you're just a stepping stone, no one cares about you.  I hate that.  I love them.  I care... to a point that I'm almost sick.  I can't sleep.  I'm eating less and gaining weight, an indication that I'm stressed out.

And then there's God.  David Platt's messages kill me inside.  They are so heavy.  Probably because its the Holy Spirit speaking through his willing mouth.  I wrestle with God so much, why don't I trust Him?  I trust Him to save me eternally but not to lead me?  I won't follow Him, I selfishly... willingly disobey Him.   Why do I do that?  I know its not good.  Why does my heart resist Him?  I wish it wouldn't.  I don't know how to let go, submit, surrender, obey.  People always say to do those things and it makes me mad because I don't know how.  Wheres the button I push?  Wheres the papers to sign over my rights?  What does it look like in life to do that on a day to day basis?  I need examples.  I need direction.  I need help.  The American dream so deeply rooted in my heart.  It's wrong.  I must reject it constantly, but its so hard... I need the constant encouragement of the Holy Spirit and my brothers and sisters in Christ.  I don't really have that here.  I look around at other Christians lives but I shouldn't do that, God's plan is unique.  For them living in obedience to God may look radically different from my life.  I can't follow them, I must follow Him.  Why did God lead me to strength and conditioning?  Or did I stray towards it?  Is this just where I wanted to go?  Am I wandering through the wilderness while He is persistently trying to show me the promise land?  I am so tired.  Not a tired that can be cured by a vacation, although I think that might help.  I am emotionally and spiritually tired.  I don't know what to do or where to go.  I feel like I am confused and am constantly battling, trying to justify my selfish desires with the Lord.  I just want to fall asleep... escape into a dream and when I wake up know the answers to all these questions.  Finally know how to let go, trust God with my life, and be a good and faithful servant.

I have stupid dreams and foolish desires.  I want to be a strength coach.  I want to make American Open and US Nationals before 2016.  I want a family... a wife and maybe eventually children.  I eventually want to open a non-profit gym and teach weightlifting to underprivileged kids.  It's my version of the American dream.  Where is God in all that?  Could I say that apart from God I am capable of nothing so if those desires, passions, and ideas are in my heart, is it possible that God put them there?  Or am I justifying?  Trying to persuade God by saying I'll use things I like to do or want to do as a way to spread His gospel.  Weightlifting is so dumb when viewed through an eternal lens, why do I love it so much?  Why am I so attached to it?  I think it, like anything else, can be a tool for the gospel but is that how God wants to use me?  Is that His goal for this piece of clay?  God is good and I know that because if I saw a jar of clay that looked like me I'd smash it with my war hammer, instead He keeps trying to make something out of me. I'm thankful for that.  Can you imagine clay that wrestled with a potter?  Maybe I do have ADD.  Maybe that is why coffee doesn't work... maybe my brain is too jacked up all the time anyways.  I'm not going to proofread this because every time I do I write another paragraph, so forgive me I am sure there are lots of errors.

all i want is for you to be happy

Everything

how can i stand here with you and not be moved by You...

Find me here, and speak to me 

I want to feel you, I need to hear you 
You are the light that's leading me to the place 
Where I find peace again 
You are the strength that keeps me walking 
You are the hope that keeps me trusting 
You are the life to my soul 
You are my purpose 
You're everything 
And how can I stand here with you 
And not be moved by you 
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? 

You calm the storms and you give me rest 
You hold me in your hands 
You won't let me fall 
You steal my heart and you take my breath away 
Would you take me in, take me deeper now 
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you 
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this 
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you 
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this 

Cause you're all I want, you're all I need 
You're everything, everything 
You're all I want 
You're all I need 
You're everything, everything 
You're all I want 
You're all I need 
You're everything, everything 
You're all I want 
You're all I need 
Everything, everything 

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you 
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this 
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you 
Would you tell me how could it be any better-any better than this 
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you 
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this 
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

Quick, Deep Breaths

Why is it before I do something I really don't want to do, or something I know is going to be unpleasant, I take a bunch of quick, deep breaths?  At work last winter when the hot water didn't work in the showers, I would stare at the stream of arctic water in front of me forever... a few quick, deep breaths, in and out.  Teeth chattering as I quickly applied soap and shampoo before going in again.  Standing at the top of the 10 meter diving platform looking over the edge.  It looks tall from the ground but so much worse from up there... a few quick, deep breaths and I'm falling.  Does that psych me up?  Does it clear my head so I ignore my worry?  I don't know why but I do it, then I make the decision and there's no holding back, no turning back.  After the breaths its over.  Whatever happens, happens and it can not be changed.

I honestly wish I could do this in my walk with God.  I wish I was up on that 10 meter looking down at God and everything He had for me.  Looking down at trials, tribulations, suffering, uncertainty but overall blessing and peace.  Life and life more abundantly.  I wish I could take those breaths and jump.  When I finally make the decision it would be once and for all.  There would be no wavering or wandering... only falling.  Falling is trust.  Falling is obedience.  Falling is surrender.  Relinquishing control of all areas of my life.  All my desires are with me... falling.  Instead I stand frozen.  Sometimes backing away from the edge.  What keeps from jumping?  What glues me to the ground?  Selfishness?  Doubt?  Worry?

I don't know but I hate it.  Even though part of me is worried, part of me doubts, part of me is scared.. I wish I could just take those breaths and flip a switch, push a button, pull a lever, whatever and it would be finished.  Then I would be on autopilot, doing what God wants always... every second of every day... every area of my life... every decision surrendered to and lived out for God.  It's not like that though and I guess by God's design.  He wants me to diligently seek Him and be obedient to His will and the cause of His Kingdom.  And to do this I must surrender, I must crucify myself... my wants and desires... my time... my life.. everything... daily.  I can't take the breaths and jump once, I can't take the breaths and pull the lever once, I have to do it everyday.  But when I stop and reflect on what God did for me, that's a small price to pay.

This video is awesome.  Please watch it.  For whatever reason I was reminded of this video while writing this blog.  I guess that father pulling that lever made me think of a situation that hinges on 1 big decision you have to make, once and for all, no turning back.  Thats what this blog was about my laziness, wanting make a decision and then coast through life but after watching this video again I'm reminded that life is about God and what He did for me.  God made a once and for all decision to love, but He keeps His end of that covenant daily.

Fog

"Old times never come back and I suppose it's just as well.  What comes back is a new morning every day in the year, and that's better."
- George E. Woodberry

Life is one directional, always moving forward.  Sometimes when I'm comfortable or about to be uncomfortable I want to hit pause.  I don't take much to change.  Usually when change comes I at least know the next step, I know what is coming.  High school to college, college to grad school, grad school to internship, internship to....  I don't know.  Unemployment? My parent's house?  Waiting tables?  Community college?  This time I dislike change even more because its accompanied with the unknown.  I've admittedly lost sleep due to worry and gotten frustrated about it.  Thrown a temper tantrum if you will, I guess because I'm not in control of my situation and I don't like where I'm headed.  However my worry, my frustration, my temper tantrum may give me a temporary activity but when its over I'm no closer to answers than when I started.  I have to keep my composure and trust God.  I have to be thankful for all that He has given me.  I have to trust that He will be a lamp unto my feet because I can't see very far.

I see parallels between weightlifting, my life, and God.  I throw more temper tantrums due to lifting than anything else in life by far.  If you saw me on certain days you'd probably wonder why I voluntarily participate in this sport.  I will miss lifts and throw things, kick things, sometimes yell.  None of those things help me get the bar over my head.

I don't really know what this blog is about.  Maybe I thought if I put these rambling thoughts on this screen they would vacate my head forever and I'll finally be able to get some sleep tonight.  I feel like I'm in a thick fog and I can't see very far.  Even though I'm not enjoying this moment I trust that God is using it to make me a better person for His glory.

Can I have a hug hello?

Most days I wake up around 4:15-4:30am.  I do battle with the covers and the darkness.  The sun laughs at me as it is still tucked in.  It rolls over, knowing it has a few more hours until it has to rise.  I get up eat, pack my lunch, brush my teeth and sometimes my beard, try to read my Bible or pray or listen to some praise music.  I ride my bike or walk up N. Donahue and get into work around 5:45-6:15am depending on when I have my first team.  I get home anywhere from 6-7pm.  The days are long but I enjoy it.  I chose this.  Even still the days wear on me.  Trying to persuade and convince people to do something they should want to do anyway can be exhausting.  Receiving complaints but giving motivation.  I make $12,000 a year with a master's degree in my field, 2 certifications, 8 years of work related experience while people with bachelor's degrees in areas not relating to science or the human body tell me that I'm an idiot, I don't understand their sport, and I should do whatever they think is best even though they don't have a logical, rational, or scientific reason for it.  I'm constantly arguing, debating, fighting for what I think is right... because I care.  It would be easier to just do what the coach wants... what sometimes is wrong... but I know better and I want the best for the athletes.  I sacrifice more than mental energy for this job.  I can't watch tv shows that start at 9pm because I can't stay up past 9-10pm any night of the week.  I can't sleep in later than 7-8am any weekend morning.  I don't have time or energy to go out and meet or make friends.  I have to leave the taco truck and 9pm or else I'll be worthless in the morning.  Right now its a little after 9:30pm.  The monster I live with feel asleep about an hour ago while we were watching tv.  I can hear people in the pool of my apartment complex talking and laughing.  What are they doing up so late?  Are they crazy.  My overhead light is off, my bed beckons me, my eyelids are heavy but I am compelled to write this.  Maybe its for you... maybe its just a reminder for me... either way I keep typing.

All things considered, I still enjoy my job.  I help 17-22 year old college students get better at playing a game but hopefully somewhere along the way I hope they learn something about themselves and develop character traits that make them better people.  I hope they learn something through being an athlete... through training, that they will keep with them for the rest of their lives... something they will share with their families.  I don't care if they learn it in the weight room, during practice, from a coach or teammate... I just want them to learn it, keep it, and share it.  I want them to be better off now that they have it.  I want them to create an adaptation to life that won't detrain or atrophy.  I want them to see Christ in me.  I want them to know that I love them and care about them and I'm able to do so because God loved me first and taught me... showed me what love is.  It's never been about the money to me or the clout or being associated with a good school... good program.  It was about my high school football coach, Coach Rowe, the things I learned from him about life that I want to show others, and a passion for weightlifting, training, sweating, bleeding, and teaching...  no helping people. 

Even still I lose sight of the big picture.  I miss having a church and a church family, they helped me keep sight of this.  I forget why I am where I am and why I'm doing what I'm doing.  I get frustrated.  I get angry.  Sometimes I take it out on the very athletes I'm trying to help.  I'm not proud of that.  Then every so often I'm reminded of why I do what I do and why I love it so much.  Sarah Wroblicky on the volleyball team came back today from her summer break.  She left the sunny beaches of California and traveled back to hot, humid Auburn.  Her first day back... 6:30am lift.  A lot of squats, snatches, and pull ups.  She came running in the weight room with the biggest smile on her face when she greeted her teammates who she has been separated from for the last 7-8 weeks.  She didn't even have shoes on.  She had left all her athletic shoes and was standing in the weight room barefoot.  

A quick aside, most strength coaches are disciplinarians, rule makers, and rule enforcers.    They make everybody wear the same uniform, keep their shirts tucked in, don't do this, don't forget that, you better have this, and you better wear that, etc.  Most strength coaches would've been furious.  I'm concerned with one thing... you're heart.  Is your heart in this?  Is it focused on this task at hand?  Are you encouraging and challenging your teammates?  Your attitude reflects the condition of your heart.  At 6:30am central time in a dark, dingy weight room far away from any sun or salt water, Wro was excited... enthusiastic and it showed.  A right heart and attitude can cover a lot more than bare feet.

She saw me through the window of the office and came running towards me, "I'm glad your still here!"  When she left to go home in early May I told her there would be a chance I might get a job somewhere else and be gone when she got back.  I began asking her about her summer and what she had been doing.  She deflected my questions with short answers and quickly got straight to the point, or at least what seemed to be the most pressing issue to her... "Can I have a hug hello?"

Case of Mistaken Identity

Have you ever seen something or someone from far away and you were so confident in what you saw only to laugh about how wrong you were when you got closer?  I do this a lot late at night when I'm driving.  I'll think I see something until I get closer and discover that I have mistaken that object for something else.  I feel like we as people do that with emotions and feelings.  We mistake the emotions God placed in us for something that we think can be fulfilled with or in a job, a substance, an activity, or another person.  We mistake the yearning we have to know, love, and serve God for something else.  Our hearts are tricked and we buy into the lie the world sells us.  We settle for something less... less than the shadow of the real thing.

I've done this my whole life.  If only I where popular then I'd be happy.  If only I drank more alcohol, did more drugs, had sex, etc then I'd be happy... satisfied... content.  Found out that was all wrong.  Then it was: if only I was done with school.  If only I had a job.  If only I could go on vacation... spend more time with friends... have more things to do.  Entertainment is a distraction.  We are not here to be entertained.  I forget this all the time.  I selfishly seek fun and happiness instead of submission and obedience to God's Kingdom.  I am here to glorify the Lord, spread the news of His son Jesus the Christ, and make disciples.  I am not here to make money, start a family, have a certain career, and keep myself entertained.  Some of those things may be part of God's plan along the way but they are not to be mistaken for the main purpose or the goal.

Lord don't let my heart be fooled by the temptations of this world or powers outside of this world.  Help me remember and stay focused on loving and serving You and others.  Help me to glorify Your name and Your Kingdom.  Help me to be obedient to Your will.  Mold my heart and change my ways.

^"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."
- Matthew 6:33

God is Beautiful

God is beautiful and he shows it through creation, whether its gorgeous white sand beaches, the crystal clear blue water of the ocean, vast mountain ranges, the rising or the setting of the sun, the brightness of a full moon, the roar of a lion, the loyalty of a dog, or the life of one of His followers.  God shows His beauty in your life and in the story of how He brought you to know Him.  Below is a beautiful and powerful story of how a young lady came to know and love God.  If you have 15 minutes, and you and I both know you do, then you should watch it and share it.  The same way we should all remember, be thankful for, and share our own stories.

This is her blog: http://moisom.com/

Thoughts

If I were to be honest a lot of my thoughts are inappropriate.  My mind is cluttered with selfish, lustful, angry, jealous, prideful, doubtful, and worried thoughts.  I think wrong thoughts toward others.  Sometimes I can't pay attention; I get distracted by worldly thoughts.  In church I will realize that my mind has wandered, continually becoming fixated on something trivial like weightlifting or work.    I want my mind to be fixated on the Lord.


"How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You."

- Psalm 139:17-18, NKJV


The Lord, with all that He is responsible for and sovereign over, thinks about us.  All of us.  I hope that by His grace and His Spirit, I can think about Him.  I want to think of His love, His blood, His will, His sovereignty, the blessings He's given me, why He saved me...  I want to pray without ceasing.  I want to focus on the needs of others instead of my own.  I want to remember why I'm here.  My purpose.  I want to give God glory.  That is my prayer... I want to honor God with my thoughts and my actions.  To submit all my thoughts to God, to bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).


"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things."
- Philippians 4:8

Give Me Faith

I need You to soften my heart
to break me apart
I need You to open my eyes
to see that You're shaping my life


All I am
I surrender


Give me faith to trust what You say
that You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life


I need You to soften my heart
to break me apart
I need You to pierce through the dark
and cleanse every part of me


All I am
I surrender


Give me faith to trust what You say
that You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life


I may be weak
but Your spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail
My God You never will