Tunnel

The longest road to nowhere lead me to a tunnel.  Darkness enveloped me.  Cold, damp air fills my lungs.  I've been wandering in here so long I can't remember how it feels when a ray of sunlight warms my skin.  My legs are tired and weary.  I lay down and dream of a different place.  Sunny days fill my mind.  Rolling hills as far as my eye can see in one direction and in the other a shore line.  I hear the  seagulls and the waves crashing against the beach.  I can feel the breeze as it moves by me, brushing the hair on my arms.  I reach out to touch the amber waves beside me but as my hand stretches out toward them, they move further away.  I try to violently grab the wheat and wake myself in the process.  I am alone and confused.  It takes me a few moments to get my barrings, to remember where I am.  Every time I lay down I am hopeful.  Hopeful that this place is really a dream that I will finally awaken from.  I think that tomorrow will be different, that my luck will change.  Tomorrow will be when day and time once again have meaning and matter... but tomorrow never comes.  Each day is the same.  The waiting, the hoping, the frustration, the bitterness... it exhausts me.  I see a ray of light squeeze through a crack in the concrete.  Is it real or do I see it because I long so badly to see it?  I spirit towards it, water from the puddles on ground splash against my legs.  I run and run but I am no closer.  It isn't real... it doesn't exist.  Tired and angry, I again lay down on my back.  I stare up at the dark ceiling and imagine it is the night sky.  I pretend there are stars shining down on me.  Again I am hopeful.  Tomorrow will be different.  Tomorrow will be the day that my luck changes.  Tomorrow I will make it out of this forsaken tunnel and once again experience the sunlight.

Tomorrow

The Longest Road to Nowhere

You go down the longest road to nowhereYou pull it apart and you're just left there

Giddy up and go
We'll go so far as we please

Giddy up and gold mine
Different place, different time
All the stars are in their prime
Pastel trailer park, stars so bright to hide the dark
All is quiet in the yard

Giddy up and gold dust, all the cars turn to rust
You've got no means for wanderlust
Pastel trailer park, stars so bright to hide the dark
All is quiet in the yard

If you are so frequently in love
If you prefer it all to me then my love
You go down the longest road to nowhere
You pull it apart and you're just left there

Giddy up and gold mine, horse dust down time
Its my life, its my time, we've been gettin' nowhere
Gold mine, different place, different time
Hold me down, Hold me down
Hope will be found, Follow me

If you are so frequently in love
If you prefer it all to me then my love
You go down the longest road to nowhere
You pull it apart and your just left there

They're waiting for it, you're waiting for it
And you're waving in it, and you're craving in it
If you fill my cup with all you must
To speak from something

If you are so frequently in love
If you prefer it all to me then my love
You go down the longest road to nowhere
You pull it apart and your just left there
You go down the longest road to nowhere
You pull it apart and your just left there.

Made for More

6 A.M., she hits the snooze button
The thought of wakin' up makes her numb, she can't move nothin'
Pops a couple pills, thinkin it might ease the sufferin'
Numbs the pain but leaves the disease untouched
Plus now she's cuttin
Tried to live for what the world told her to, but ended up empty in the gut
Now she's cravin' for more
Sick to her stomach
Hates how she looks so she overeats and vomits
And that's just a half
'Cause her mom and her dad won't
Give her the attention that she needs 'cause they'd rather
Focus on their jobs and climb the corporate ladder
Which basically tells their daughter that she doesn't matter
Her heart's shattered
Glass is half-empty
Tries to find a reason to live, can't think of any
But deep underneath the confusion and lies
She knows she was made to live for more than suicide
It's do or die time, she chooses option one
Rises up, sings this anthem from the bottom of her lungs

We were made to be more than this
Oh, and we weren't meant to fight wars like this
Something's gone wrong
We've been broken
Who can fix us now, fix us now
We were made out of love not hate
Oh, and we weren't meant to to give up on faith
Something's gone wrong
We've been broken
Who can fix us now, fix us now

Johnny started getting pushed by the bigger kids
Took mamma's closed fist for every little thing he did
When he was younger, used to punch his little brother
Johnny's mad at the world and the pain that he was under
It got worse when momma's boyfriend was over, who was far beyond sober, with a chip up on his shoulder
Fightin' Jonny's mother so he tries to help mommy
Now he's in the hospital, broken limbs on his body
He hates people, hates family, hates school
He's plannin' hate crimes to make him more paid dues
Who can he trust
Is everybody out to hurt him
He'll just make them hurt first so he ain't got to wonder
This pain, deeper than the joints in his body
He planned to go to school and let it loose in the lobby
Missed the hugs from his mommy
Needed love from his daddy
Never knew that there was hope to end the pain in his family
Then someone told him 'bout the risin' of the son
Now Johnny quit lookin' for a gun. Done.

We were made to be more than this
Oh, and we weren't made to fight wars like this
Something's gone wrong
We've been broken
Who can fix us now, fix us now
We were made out of love not hate
Oh, and we weren't meant to to give up on faith
Something's gone wrong
We've been broken
Who can fix us now, fix us now

Who can save us now (who can save us now)
Who can save us now (we're running out of breath, the end is counting down, oh)
Who can save us now
Who can save us now (who can save us now)
The one who conquered death can raise us from the ground, oh
We were made for more than this, oh
We were made
We were made

Christ Is Risen

Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
We fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to him who showed great love
And bled for us
Freely you bled, for us

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave!

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave!

Beneath the weight of all our sin
You bow to none but heavens will
No scheme of hell, no scoffer's crown
No burden great can hold you down
In strength you reign
Forever let your church proclaim

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave

Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
The glory of God has defeated the night!

Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
Our God is not dead, he's alive! he's alive!

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave

Rise up from the grave...

I'm Alive

Come here often?

I didn't know that the new beginnings of 2013 would keep me from my blog.  The busy schedule of teaching a class and juggling a weird/random personal training schedule combined with the fact that I have shifted more from blogging to writing in my prayer journal have kept me absent.

Even though I still do not have a full-time job, I am thankful for the opportunities that God has given me.  The 2 part time jobs I have are not ideal but they are in my field (or the field I hope to be in) and they are better than a random office job.  I have a church and bible study group that I love.  God has used that to rekindle my daily, personal relationship with Him.  I feel like my perspective and state of mind is a lot better than it was a year ago.  I am thankful for Integrity church and its Bible teaching.  I am thankful to have a Bible study leader who is also a friend.  I am thankful that I get to meet with him almost every Tuesday for dinner to talk about God and life.  I am thankful I have ways to make money to eat out with friends, pay my own gas, and fund the Kingdom of God.  I am trying to count my blessings instead of list my complaints.  Long term this is not where I want to be and this is not what I want to be doing but for right now this is where I am and there is a lot to be thankful for.

I am also thankful for weightlifting.  I really enjoy lifting with and coaching the college team.  I have also started a new blog concerning their training.  Follow it and suscribe to our youtube channel.

Pirate Weightlifting Blog

Pirate Weightlifting Youtube Channel


I will try to do a better job posting in the future.  I think it will be good for me to document what God is teaching and showing me at this point in my life.  I will be able to go back to it to remind myself of His love and faithfulness (in addition to the Bible of course).  I have been praying that God would help me love Him and others with a real and genuine love... a love that could only come from Him.  I have also been praying that all my delight would be in Him.  That I would delight in reading about Him, praying about Him, hearing about Him, learning about Him, sharing about Him.  I think this blog is also good for that... sharing what God is doing in my life and delighting in that.

2013

New Beginnings

Life and time are interesting concepts.  I was at a friend's birthday party a few days ago and people began discussing the different ways they viewed turning 25.  One person said thinking of it as being a quarter of a century made him feel old.  Another person mentioned thinking of his age in terms of a gas gauge and that if he was lucky his needle was at 2/3 a tank.  The next day my grandparents came over for dinner.  My grandfather grew up on a farm, is a former marine, Korean war veteran, car salesman, and worked the majority of his years in a Dupont plant where he was exposed to asbestos.  He now has less than 40% lung function.  The man who 4-5 years ago could still fix anything or build anything can now hardly walk from the dinner table to the couch without gasping for air.  At dinner he was asking my father about the benefit of using oxygen tanks.  He wanted to know if the oxygen would improve his quality of life or merely extend the time he had left on this earth.  He didn't want the oxygen if it wasn't going to improve the quality of his life, he decided he would just let nature takes its course.  That was a very sobering conversation for me to listen to.  Think how precious time must be to him.  What does that feel like to be so aware that you don't have much time left.

When I dwell on my life, it has been a blur, it does not feel like I have been alive for 26 years.  A lot of my life has been fairly uneventful.  School and the time I have wasted in that trap fills most of it.  But what have a done for the Kingdom of Christ?  Three weeks of mission trips, quiet time, small groups, church services, and the occasional volunteering/donating.  Nothing substantial.

Today I was reading Job 4 and one of Job's friends was explaining how fragile and short life is.  The commentary in the study bible talked about time and what the hours of our life account to.  It challenged the reader to tally how much time they spend a day doing different activities and suggested it is possible we spend too much time in recreation.  I was thinking about this while walking my dog.  It's the norm in America... work to get your paycheck to spend entertaining yourself... tv, movies, sporting events, concerts, amusement parks, social media, reading, restaurants, hobbies, vacations, etc.  Those things are not bad but those things can get in the way of our purpose here on earth.  We spend our life glued to screens.  We always want to do something fun, but having fun is not the purpose of life.  This is nothing new to you I'm sure.  It was nothing new to me but what I did realize is how powerful of a trap entertainment/fun is.  We know its there but we still fall victim to it.  We are aware of our purpose but we get lulled into selfishly seeking pleasure over and over again.  Later in the day, while on facebook, (yes I was wasting time entertaining myself) I saw an interesting post.  A friend had uploaded a picture of a list of goals she had written down for herself in 2005.  One of the ambitions as she called them was "have a life that counts - affect people and make an impact while I'm on earth"

I have been praying for God to help me genuinely love Him and others.  It has become one of my New Years Resolutions for 2013.  I want to add to it.  I want to submit my life to God.  I want to be obedient to His calling, no matter what He says.  I want to be willing to do His will so that my life may be used to give Him glory and make an impact for His Kingdom.  I don't want to waste my life doing something His doesn't want me to do or entertaining myself.

I want big things out of 2013.  I hope to get a job in collegiate strength and conditioning, be able to buy my own car and support myself without the help of my parents, and possibly/hopefully compete in the American Open weightlifting meet in December.  Above any and all of those things, I hope to continue to more intimately know my God, I hope to see a lot of friends and loved ones come to know Jesus Christ as both their Lord and Savior, and I hope God will continue to change my heart so that I will passionately seek to live my life in a way that radically honors Him.

Love genuinely/Make an impact 2013

Purgatory

"Do I fear the unknown more than I fear this place?"

Located between heaven and hell.  It is neither bad nor good yet has resemblances and characteristics of both.  It involves a process of purification... a being made ready for Heaven.  Is that where I am now?  Is that technically what earth is?  A place we wait and are purified before we depart or our Savior returns.  Sometimes I feel like that defines this season of my life.  An ebb and flow of emotions that leave me always questioning and wondering.  Some days I am fine.  Is that in itself a sign of purification... that I am trusting God... being patient... growing, learning, developing.  Or is that a negative sign... have I been lulled to sleep... have I been lied to... have I become complacent here without chasing my dream?  Other days I am not fine, I become filled with anger, frustration, and bitterness.  Is that bad?  Does it mean I do not trust God?  That I am living in my circumstances and I'm missing the bigger picture?  or  Is it good because it motivates me?  Awakens me from my slumber and makes me hungry for more?  Then a flash of hope, a glimpse of change arises but I hesitate to reach for it.  Why?  Like someone institutionalized in prison, am I now just a shell of who I once was?  Do I fear the unknown more than I fear this place?  This state of mind... this season.
The pros and cons lists are already formulating in my mind.  It is only a matter of time until they find their way onto paper.  The church, the bible study, the lifting club, the closeness to friends and family vs the dependence on my parents, the lack of freedom, embarrassment, the feeling of being left behind, forgotten, the loneliness, and who could for get my friends anger and frustration.  Length of lists does not determine the winner, no, it is quality over quantity.  Will I even have the choice?  Honestly, I'd rather not choose but be forced into the one that is right for me.  Be left with one option is better than making a choice and wondering what could have been.  Maybe my sentence here is not up yet, part of me is ok with that... the part that fears the unknown, hates change, and is reluctant to start over again... new job, new church, new friends.  That part loves routine, consistency, planning, control, and predictability.  Another part of me seeks escape.  It longs for adventure, freedom, independence, maybe even pride.  It hates the embarrassment, the dependence, the restriction... it fuels the anger and frustration.  Neither part seems to be biblical.  Both are sinful.

So here I lay.  Torn between the two.