Everything

how can i stand here with you and not be moved by You...

Find me here, and speak to me 

I want to feel you, I need to hear you 
You are the light that's leading me to the place 
Where I find peace again 
You are the strength that keeps me walking 
You are the hope that keeps me trusting 
You are the life to my soul 
You are my purpose 
You're everything 
And how can I stand here with you 
And not be moved by you 
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? 

You calm the storms and you give me rest 
You hold me in your hands 
You won't let me fall 
You steal my heart and you take my breath away 
Would you take me in, take me deeper now 
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you 
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this 
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you 
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this 

Cause you're all I want, you're all I need 
You're everything, everything 
You're all I want 
You're all I need 
You're everything, everything 
You're all I want 
You're all I need 
You're everything, everything 
You're all I want 
You're all I need 
Everything, everything 

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you 
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this 
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you 
Would you tell me how could it be any better-any better than this 
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you 
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this 
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

Quick, Deep Breaths

Why is it before I do something I really don't want to do, or something I know is going to be unpleasant, I take a bunch of quick, deep breaths?  At work last winter when the hot water didn't work in the showers, I would stare at the stream of arctic water in front of me forever... a few quick, deep breaths, in and out.  Teeth chattering as I quickly applied soap and shampoo before going in again.  Standing at the top of the 10 meter diving platform looking over the edge.  It looks tall from the ground but so much worse from up there... a few quick, deep breaths and I'm falling.  Does that psych me up?  Does it clear my head so I ignore my worry?  I don't know why but I do it, then I make the decision and there's no holding back, no turning back.  After the breaths its over.  Whatever happens, happens and it can not be changed.

I honestly wish I could do this in my walk with God.  I wish I was up on that 10 meter looking down at God and everything He had for me.  Looking down at trials, tribulations, suffering, uncertainty but overall blessing and peace.  Life and life more abundantly.  I wish I could take those breaths and jump.  When I finally make the decision it would be once and for all.  There would be no wavering or wandering... only falling.  Falling is trust.  Falling is obedience.  Falling is surrender.  Relinquishing control of all areas of my life.  All my desires are with me... falling.  Instead I stand frozen.  Sometimes backing away from the edge.  What keeps from jumping?  What glues me to the ground?  Selfishness?  Doubt?  Worry?

I don't know but I hate it.  Even though part of me is worried, part of me doubts, part of me is scared.. I wish I could just take those breaths and flip a switch, push a button, pull a lever, whatever and it would be finished.  Then I would be on autopilot, doing what God wants always... every second of every day... every area of my life... every decision surrendered to and lived out for God.  It's not like that though and I guess by God's design.  He wants me to diligently seek Him and be obedient to His will and the cause of His Kingdom.  And to do this I must surrender, I must crucify myself... my wants and desires... my time... my life.. everything... daily.  I can't take the breaths and jump once, I can't take the breaths and pull the lever once, I have to do it everyday.  But when I stop and reflect on what God did for me, that's a small price to pay.

This video is awesome.  Please watch it.  For whatever reason I was reminded of this video while writing this blog.  I guess that father pulling that lever made me think of a situation that hinges on 1 big decision you have to make, once and for all, no turning back.  Thats what this blog was about my laziness, wanting make a decision and then coast through life but after watching this video again I'm reminded that life is about God and what He did for me.  God made a once and for all decision to love, but He keeps His end of that covenant daily.

Fog

"Old times never come back and I suppose it's just as well.  What comes back is a new morning every day in the year, and that's better."
- George E. Woodberry

Life is one directional, always moving forward.  Sometimes when I'm comfortable or about to be uncomfortable I want to hit pause.  I don't take much to change.  Usually when change comes I at least know the next step, I know what is coming.  High school to college, college to grad school, grad school to internship, internship to....  I don't know.  Unemployment? My parent's house?  Waiting tables?  Community college?  This time I dislike change even more because its accompanied with the unknown.  I've admittedly lost sleep due to worry and gotten frustrated about it.  Thrown a temper tantrum if you will, I guess because I'm not in control of my situation and I don't like where I'm headed.  However my worry, my frustration, my temper tantrum may give me a temporary activity but when its over I'm no closer to answers than when I started.  I have to keep my composure and trust God.  I have to be thankful for all that He has given me.  I have to trust that He will be a lamp unto my feet because I can't see very far.

I see parallels between weightlifting, my life, and God.  I throw more temper tantrums due to lifting than anything else in life by far.  If you saw me on certain days you'd probably wonder why I voluntarily participate in this sport.  I will miss lifts and throw things, kick things, sometimes yell.  None of those things help me get the bar over my head.

I don't really know what this blog is about.  Maybe I thought if I put these rambling thoughts on this screen they would vacate my head forever and I'll finally be able to get some sleep tonight.  I feel like I'm in a thick fog and I can't see very far.  Even though I'm not enjoying this moment I trust that God is using it to make me a better person for His glory.