Quick, Deep Breaths

Why is it before I do something I really don't want to do, or something I know is going to be unpleasant, I take a bunch of quick, deep breaths?  At work last winter when the hot water didn't work in the showers, I would stare at the stream of arctic water in front of me forever... a few quick, deep breaths, in and out.  Teeth chattering as I quickly applied soap and shampoo before going in again.  Standing at the top of the 10 meter diving platform looking over the edge.  It looks tall from the ground but so much worse from up there... a few quick, deep breaths and I'm falling.  Does that psych me up?  Does it clear my head so I ignore my worry?  I don't know why but I do it, then I make the decision and there's no holding back, no turning back.  After the breaths its over.  Whatever happens, happens and it can not be changed.

I honestly wish I could do this in my walk with God.  I wish I was up on that 10 meter looking down at God and everything He had for me.  Looking down at trials, tribulations, suffering, uncertainty but overall blessing and peace.  Life and life more abundantly.  I wish I could take those breaths and jump.  When I finally make the decision it would be once and for all.  There would be no wavering or wandering... only falling.  Falling is trust.  Falling is obedience.  Falling is surrender.  Relinquishing control of all areas of my life.  All my desires are with me... falling.  Instead I stand frozen.  Sometimes backing away from the edge.  What keeps from jumping?  What glues me to the ground?  Selfishness?  Doubt?  Worry?

I don't know but I hate it.  Even though part of me is worried, part of me doubts, part of me is scared.. I wish I could just take those breaths and flip a switch, push a button, pull a lever, whatever and it would be finished.  Then I would be on autopilot, doing what God wants always... every second of every day... every area of my life... every decision surrendered to and lived out for God.  It's not like that though and I guess by God's design.  He wants me to diligently seek Him and be obedient to His will and the cause of His Kingdom.  And to do this I must surrender, I must crucify myself... my wants and desires... my time... my life.. everything... daily.  I can't take the breaths and jump once, I can't take the breaths and pull the lever once, I have to do it everyday.  But when I stop and reflect on what God did for me, that's a small price to pay.

This video is awesome.  Please watch it.  For whatever reason I was reminded of this video while writing this blog.  I guess that father pulling that lever made me think of a situation that hinges on 1 big decision you have to make, once and for all, no turning back.  Thats what this blog was about my laziness, wanting make a decision and then coast through life but after watching this video again I'm reminded that life is about God and what He did for me.  God made a once and for all decision to love, but He keeps His end of that covenant daily.