I should be tired but I can't sleep. My mind is restlessly asking questions and coming up with nothing. Maybe this is good... I'm being forced to confront the truth and reality of the condition of my heart and relationship with God. My life is usually hidden deep within routines and monotony. Work, eat, sleep, repeat... occasionally sprinkle in a prayer, a sermon, a song of praise, a Bible verse, a brief moment of quite reflection. But for whatever reason big decisions throw God and His will in my face, making it unavoidable. I am forced to examine this selfish existence I call my life. See! Right there the selfishness is revealed... my life, as if I earned it, bought it, or deserve it. However, it is not mine... Galatians 2:20. I wish I could rest in God's sovereignty... I believe in it, but I also believe He gave us free will. So here I am, awake in my bed typing aimless thoughts on this blank computer screen when I should be sleeping. I'm torn between sovereignty and free will. People say that if God didn't want you to do a certain something then He wouldn't have "opened the door" that allowed you to do it... really? He doesn't want us to sin but the door to do that is always open. We can choose Him or deny Him... both doors are open (Deuteronomy 30:19-20). At the same time I believe God can use all the choices we make, selfish or otherwise, to glorify His Kingdom and accomplish good (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28). Where is the middle ground? Am I living this life in a godly manner or am I just selfishly chasing my own dreams and desires, including God when its convenient? Am I trying to include God in my plan instead of surrendering to His plan? Is the fact that I have these thoughts mean that I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing? What should I be doing? Lord I pray that you would clearly reveal the answer to that question to me and then give me the strength and conviction to be obedient to whatever you say.
What do I know? I know that I'm selfish. I know that I'm still a sinner in need of grace, mercy, and a Savior. I know that I'm weak and afraid of God's will and plan. I know that I enjoy helping people achieve goals, grow as people, and physical fitness so I love coaching, but is that a good enough reason to do it? Because I like it? This life is not about me, remember. But I can help others through it, I can be a light, I can show them God's love... am I just justifying something I want? My head pounds and minutes flying by but I haven't gotten anywhere, like a hamster on a wheel my mind has not gained any ground. Should I just quit everything? Retreat away into the desert, where its would be just God and I? Move to some desolate locate where I know no one, live off money I've saved, and just try to hear God? These are only a sampling of the questions I have racing through my mind. Why can't I be like everyone else... just pray, fast, and make the best decision possible. God will make the best of whatever I choose, right? Instead I over-analyze everything and it gets me nowhere. But do I want God to make the best of my decision or do I want to make the best decision in terms of what God is trying to accomplish?
Head. Wall. Head. Wall. Head. Wall. Head......... Wall.
I remember when I was young and even more selfish... I couldn't sleep then either. I was up thinking about what I needed to do to become happy. Popularity? Alcohol? Drugs? Sex? Nope, didn't work... but that's everything on my checklist and I'm still not happy. I was missing God. Now I am up trying to please Him when I know that He loves me regardless. He doesn't grade me on performance. He saved me and I can't imagine that He saved me to let me wander too far away again. I am thankful that He will never leave or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6,8, Joshua 1:5).
I try to keep things simple. It appears to me, through my limited Biblical knowledge, that is what Jesus did... kept it simple. In an effort to keep things simple I am just going to try to continue to get to know God more and more. I think He wants us to spend time with Him, get to know Him, His heart, and how much He loves us. When our finite brains start understanding in some limited capacity how great and how deep and how wide God's love is for us, we will trust Him and shut some of the open doors on our own free will and then there will be other open doors that God will tell us to shut and because He loves us and now we love Him we will obediently close those too. Eventually because we chose Jesus who is Himself the Way, we should end up right where God wants us.... right? Haha I didn't keep it that simple because I just confused myself.
Try to go to sleep round 2... I wish my brain had an off switch.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Life is...
Weird. Scary. Uncontrollable. Turbulent. Unpredictable. Strange . Busy. Crazy. Always changing. Going on, with or with out you. A gift. Beautiful. Special. Memorable. Free. An adventure.
Right now for me its mostly weird... strange. I say that because it is more serious and undisciplined, full of tough decisions and unpredictability. I prefer laughter. I prefer to know the road ahead. I like routines. I find safety in them. I was talking with a good friend over Christmas break. He is currently living at home and working with his uncle. He loves where he lives and what he is doing. His life is soon to take a different path. He has no idea where he will be in just a few short months... maybe law school, maybe move out west to take another job, maybe move overseas. He is unfazed... no, excited about it. He says, "Alex, I love this. I love not knowing where I'm going to be and what I'm going to be doing." I hate it. I fear change. I feel like I lose friends, never to get them back... encased only in my mind. I think back to Hodges Field and what I would give to be under those lights again one Friday night. I think about Ellis Simon gymnasium wishing I had shot the ball more. I think about laughing with friends in class and in the cafeteria. Simple pleasures like just driving around when you first got your license. Everyone wanted out... wanted college... wanted newer and better opportunities. I didn't, I liked what I had. I remember feeling sick to my stomach living it all behind. Like I was slowly dying but there was no cure to save me so I had to sit back and let it happen. It seems like a lifetime ago. Those memories don't even seem like they happened to me, more like it was just a movie I watched so many times that I can recant all the characters, scenes, and lines by heart. I think about old friends I had and try to picture what they might be doing now. I haven't talked to them in so long... I hope they are doing well. I wonder if I ran into them, what would I say? Would we be able to carry a conversation or would it be awkward? Isn't that so strange that in one season of your life you can be close friends with someone and years later barely know them at all. Walk right past them, smile and nod but not say a word because there is nothing to say. A crevasse of time filled with change and silence separates you. In my mind my friends still look the same, they still do and say the same stupid things, and they still laugh at my terrible jokes. Reality is different. They look and act different. They are married, some with children. They dress in suits and ties and work seemingly important jobs. They no longer have time or interest for our youthful shenanigans. Did they leave me, did I leave them, or was it mutual... did we even have a choice or did life just hold different routes for us? I should be thankful. Enjoy the time I spent with them and the laughter we shared. I should keep them with me in the stories I tell and the memories I have. Of course all my friendships didn't end that way. I still have friends that when we see each other its as if nothing has changed. We pick up where we left off as if both of us were in some sort of friendship coma and we are just coming to consciousness. I love and am thankful for those friendships. Then I think about the relationships I gained in college. Especially through church and the athletes I coached. How much I changed and grew as a person after high school. I have fond memories and good friends post-high school too. I would have never experienced them if I got my way... if I remained hidden in high school the way I wanted to be. The Lord used college to change me, to save me and ultimately use me. I love and miss my church family. I miss serving beside them, eating with them, asking questions, and of course loitering in a parking lot. Those times when we would go spend Memorial Day weekend at the beach were some of the best times of my whole life. I've never laughed so hard... felt so much joy and love. I find myself trying to get back there but sadly I can't find my way. Instead I gladly settle for a hodge podge or a Thanksgiving feast at Steph's house, I can't wait to go back and see everyone for those. It gets increasingly harder to fight the busy schedules and long distances that separate us now. I remember when I first moved to Auburn... I hated it. Change, it never goes down smooth with me. I missed my athletes, my friends, my church, being close to everything and everyone I had ever known. I thought I had made a mistake. I remember Thanksgiving break after being away for 4 months, it was the best week of my life. I recall seeing one of my former soccer athletes from far away, she also spotted me and ran as fast as she could to give me a big hug. Three years later and her reaction remains similar. Another time I traveled back to Raleigh for a wedding, I was talking with some friends at a baseball game and a different athlete saw me, her eyes lit up and she pushed herself through the two people I was talking to and practically tackled me. It meant a lot to me. It is one of my favorite memories. Two years later I saw her and she causally told me hey in passing. Its weird. Life goes on and people in it gain or lose value and importance. I'm not saying she should have been excited to see me forever, that story is just meant to be an example of how much things have changed between us due to time and space. People I used to talk to and interact with on a daily basis during one point in my life act as if they barely know me in another. But that is life, always changing whether you are on board or not. I was definitely challenged after leaving Raleigh and I made mistakes but I am thankful for all of the relationships I've made. I know and have worked with people from all over the US... no, the world. I get to work with a lot of cool, interesting, and unique people and I'm blessed. They teach me about their culture, society, even how to speak their languages, and also about life, in return I teach them how to pick up heavy things, run hard sprints, and do burpie-jump-pull ups... and before they leave everyday they tell me thank you. They show me we are all the same while at the same time we are all different. I love them, they are like my little brothers and sisters... they mean the world to me. Sometimes I wonder if they know that. They make me laugh so hard. They make me so proud. I love when they get excited about reaching a goal in the weight room. I love to watch them compete. I love to see them achieve great things in school, internships/work, and life. I love when they get what I feel they deserve... a PR, a comeback victory, a trip to nationals... it makes my heart feel like its going to explode. A swimmer asked me the other day, "Alex, can you stay with us forever?" My heart ripped in two. I guess if I never left them, they would have to leave me eventually. It's not as bad though, because I just lose a couple at a time. Unfortunately, life is so busy I forget... I move on, replace them in a way... new kids from new places with new names and stories. But when I leave all of them all at once, its quite shocking. It feels like a strong punch to the stomach. Maybe it hurts because I have to accept the fact that someday soon they won't miss me. That I know life will go on and both they and I will move on. That maybe they don't even need me after all.
Now again I'm at a point in my life where I have to pick up and leave. I have to tell everyone, its been fun, thanks for everything, I'll come back to visit, keep in touch, take care... only to see them on rare occasion, whenever they pass through my memories and my thoughts. I'll smile and hope they are well and wonder if they still laugh about the same things as before. I'll wonder what they are doing now and if they ever achieved all their dreams. Maybe I'll see them randomly somewhere and we'll have time to talk and laugh again. Maybe they left a trace of themselves in my life that will help me keep them with me. I will forever look at a certain object, hear a certain sound, see a certain image and instantly be reminded... be transported back to another time and place.
Maybe one day I'll finally realize that every time I was in period of my life where I didn't want the impending change to come, it was followed by a different experience that I wouldn't trade to get the other one back. Life is crazy but life is a blessed adventure.
PS. I'm sorry this is a rambling mess that really had know direction or point. That could be because of where my head is right now, the difficulty of the topic and the points I was trying to convey, or due to the fact for the first time in a long time I'm remembering I'm a night owl and not a morning bird but perhaps I've lost my ability to fly as sharply in the dark as I was once able to... I'm rambling even worse now. Does that even make sense? I was just trying to say that this is the first time I've tried to do something like this late at night and I'm not sure my brain still remembers how to be active after 9pm. I hope that if at any point this got too bad you just stopped reading (but then you probably aren't reading this). To be honest this one was more for me. I guess its more a journal entry.
Right now for me its mostly weird... strange. I say that because it is more serious and undisciplined, full of tough decisions and unpredictability. I prefer laughter. I prefer to know the road ahead. I like routines. I find safety in them. I was talking with a good friend over Christmas break. He is currently living at home and working with his uncle. He loves where he lives and what he is doing. His life is soon to take a different path. He has no idea where he will be in just a few short months... maybe law school, maybe move out west to take another job, maybe move overseas. He is unfazed... no, excited about it. He says, "Alex, I love this. I love not knowing where I'm going to be and what I'm going to be doing." I hate it. I fear change. I feel like I lose friends, never to get them back... encased only in my mind. I think back to Hodges Field and what I would give to be under those lights again one Friday night. I think about Ellis Simon gymnasium wishing I had shot the ball more. I think about laughing with friends in class and in the cafeteria. Simple pleasures like just driving around when you first got your license. Everyone wanted out... wanted college... wanted newer and better opportunities. I didn't, I liked what I had. I remember feeling sick to my stomach living it all behind. Like I was slowly dying but there was no cure to save me so I had to sit back and let it happen. It seems like a lifetime ago. Those memories don't even seem like they happened to me, more like it was just a movie I watched so many times that I can recant all the characters, scenes, and lines by heart. I think about old friends I had and try to picture what they might be doing now. I haven't talked to them in so long... I hope they are doing well. I wonder if I ran into them, what would I say? Would we be able to carry a conversation or would it be awkward? Isn't that so strange that in one season of your life you can be close friends with someone and years later barely know them at all. Walk right past them, smile and nod but not say a word because there is nothing to say. A crevasse of time filled with change and silence separates you. In my mind my friends still look the same, they still do and say the same stupid things, and they still laugh at my terrible jokes. Reality is different. They look and act different. They are married, some with children. They dress in suits and ties and work seemingly important jobs. They no longer have time or interest for our youthful shenanigans. Did they leave me, did I leave them, or was it mutual... did we even have a choice or did life just hold different routes for us? I should be thankful. Enjoy the time I spent with them and the laughter we shared. I should keep them with me in the stories I tell and the memories I have. Of course all my friendships didn't end that way. I still have friends that when we see each other its as if nothing has changed. We pick up where we left off as if both of us were in some sort of friendship coma and we are just coming to consciousness. I love and am thankful for those friendships. Then I think about the relationships I gained in college. Especially through church and the athletes I coached. How much I changed and grew as a person after high school. I have fond memories and good friends post-high school too. I would have never experienced them if I got my way... if I remained hidden in high school the way I wanted to be. The Lord used college to change me, to save me and ultimately use me. I love and miss my church family. I miss serving beside them, eating with them, asking questions, and of course loitering in a parking lot. Those times when we would go spend Memorial Day weekend at the beach were some of the best times of my whole life. I've never laughed so hard... felt so much joy and love. I find myself trying to get back there but sadly I can't find my way. Instead I gladly settle for a hodge podge or a Thanksgiving feast at Steph's house, I can't wait to go back and see everyone for those. It gets increasingly harder to fight the busy schedules and long distances that separate us now. I remember when I first moved to Auburn... I hated it. Change, it never goes down smooth with me. I missed my athletes, my friends, my church, being close to everything and everyone I had ever known. I thought I had made a mistake. I remember Thanksgiving break after being away for 4 months, it was the best week of my life. I recall seeing one of my former soccer athletes from far away, she also spotted me and ran as fast as she could to give me a big hug. Three years later and her reaction remains similar. Another time I traveled back to Raleigh for a wedding, I was talking with some friends at a baseball game and a different athlete saw me, her eyes lit up and she pushed herself through the two people I was talking to and practically tackled me. It meant a lot to me. It is one of my favorite memories. Two years later I saw her and she causally told me hey in passing. Its weird. Life goes on and people in it gain or lose value and importance. I'm not saying she should have been excited to see me forever, that story is just meant to be an example of how much things have changed between us due to time and space. People I used to talk to and interact with on a daily basis during one point in my life act as if they barely know me in another. But that is life, always changing whether you are on board or not. I was definitely challenged after leaving Raleigh and I made mistakes but I am thankful for all of the relationships I've made. I know and have worked with people from all over the US... no, the world. I get to work with a lot of cool, interesting, and unique people and I'm blessed. They teach me about their culture, society, even how to speak their languages, and also about life, in return I teach them how to pick up heavy things, run hard sprints, and do burpie-jump-pull ups... and before they leave everyday they tell me thank you. They show me we are all the same while at the same time we are all different. I love them, they are like my little brothers and sisters... they mean the world to me. Sometimes I wonder if they know that. They make me laugh so hard. They make me so proud. I love when they get excited about reaching a goal in the weight room. I love to watch them compete. I love to see them achieve great things in school, internships/work, and life. I love when they get what I feel they deserve... a PR, a comeback victory, a trip to nationals... it makes my heart feel like its going to explode. A swimmer asked me the other day, "Alex, can you stay with us forever?" My heart ripped in two. I guess if I never left them, they would have to leave me eventually. It's not as bad though, because I just lose a couple at a time. Unfortunately, life is so busy I forget... I move on, replace them in a way... new kids from new places with new names and stories. But when I leave all of them all at once, its quite shocking. It feels like a strong punch to the stomach. Maybe it hurts because I have to accept the fact that someday soon they won't miss me. That I know life will go on and both they and I will move on. That maybe they don't even need me after all.
Now again I'm at a point in my life where I have to pick up and leave. I have to tell everyone, its been fun, thanks for everything, I'll come back to visit, keep in touch, take care... only to see them on rare occasion, whenever they pass through my memories and my thoughts. I'll smile and hope they are well and wonder if they still laugh about the same things as before. I'll wonder what they are doing now and if they ever achieved all their dreams. Maybe I'll see them randomly somewhere and we'll have time to talk and laugh again. Maybe they left a trace of themselves in my life that will help me keep them with me. I will forever look at a certain object, hear a certain sound, see a certain image and instantly be reminded... be transported back to another time and place.
Maybe one day I'll finally realize that every time I was in period of my life where I didn't want the impending change to come, it was followed by a different experience that I wouldn't trade to get the other one back. Life is crazy but life is a blessed adventure.
PS. I'm sorry this is a rambling mess that really had know direction or point. That could be because of where my head is right now, the difficulty of the topic and the points I was trying to convey, or due to the fact for the first time in a long time I'm remembering I'm a night owl and not a morning bird but perhaps I've lost my ability to fly as sharply in the dark as I was once able to... I'm rambling even worse now. Does that even make sense? I was just trying to say that this is the first time I've tried to do something like this late at night and I'm not sure my brain still remembers how to be active after 9pm. I hope that if at any point this got too bad you just stopped reading (but then you probably aren't reading this). To be honest this one was more for me. I guess its more a journal entry.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
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