IDK

I should be tired but I can't sleep.  My mind is restlessly asking questions and coming up with nothing.  Maybe this is good... I'm being forced to confront the truth and reality of the condition of my heart and relationship with God.  My life is usually hidden deep within routines and monotony.  Work, eat, sleep, repeat... occasionally sprinkle in a prayer, a sermon, a song of praise, a Bible verse, a brief moment of quite reflection.  But for whatever reason big decisions throw God and His will in my face, making it unavoidable.  I am forced to examine this selfish existence I call my life.  See! Right there the selfishness is revealed... my life, as if I earned it, bought it, or deserve it.  However, it is not mine... Galatians 2:20.  I wish I could rest in God's sovereignty... I believe in it, but I also believe He gave us free will.  So here I am, awake in my bed typing aimless thoughts on this blank computer screen when I should be sleeping.  I'm torn between sovereignty and free will.  People say that if God didn't want you to do a certain something then He wouldn't have "opened the door" that allowed you to do it... really?  He doesn't want us to sin but the door to do that is always open.  We can choose Him or deny Him... both doors are open (Deuteronomy 30:19-20).  At the same time I believe God can use all the choices we make, selfish or otherwise, to glorify His Kingdom and accomplish good (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28).  Where is the middle ground?  Am I living this life in a godly manner or am I just selfishly chasing my own dreams and desires, including God when its convenient?  Am I trying to include God in my plan instead of surrendering to His plan?  Is the fact that I have these thoughts mean that I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing?  What should I be doing?  Lord I pray that you would clearly reveal the answer to that question to me and then give me the strength and conviction to be obedient to whatever you say.

What do I know?  I know that I'm selfish.  I know that I'm still a sinner in need of grace, mercy, and a Savior.  I know that I'm weak and afraid of God's will and plan.  I know that I enjoy helping people achieve goals, grow as people, and physical fitness so I love coaching, but is that a good enough reason to do it?  Because I like it?  This life is not about me, remember.  But I can help others through it, I can be a light, I can show them God's love... am I just justifying something I want?  My head pounds and minutes flying by but I haven't gotten anywhere, like a hamster on a wheel my mind has not gained any ground.  Should I just quit everything?  Retreat away into the desert, where its would be just God and I?  Move to some desolate locate where I know no one, live off money I've saved, and just try to hear God?   These are only a sampling of the questions I have racing through my mind.  Why can't I be like everyone else... just pray, fast, and make the best decision possible.  God will make the best of whatever I choose, right?  Instead I over-analyze everything and it gets me nowhere.  But do I want God to make the best of my decision or do I want to make the best decision in terms of what God is trying to accomplish?

Head. Wall. Head. Wall. Head. Wall. Head......... Wall.

I remember when I was young and even more selfish... I couldn't sleep then either.  I was up thinking about what I needed to do to become happy.  Popularity? Alcohol? Drugs? Sex?  Nope, didn't work... but that's everything on my checklist and I'm still not happy.  I was missing God.  Now I am up trying to please Him when I know that He loves me regardless.  He doesn't grade me on performance.  He saved me and I can't imagine that He saved me to let me wander too far away again.  I am thankful that He will never leave or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6,8, Joshua 1:5). 

I try to keep things simple.  It appears to me, through my limited Biblical knowledge, that is what Jesus did... kept it simple.  In an effort to keep things simple I am just going to try to continue to get to know God more and more.  I think He wants us to spend time with Him, get to know Him, His heart, and how much He loves us.  When our finite brains start understanding in some limited capacity how great and how deep and how wide God's love is for us, we will trust Him and shut some of the open doors on our own free will and then there will be other open doors that God will tell us to shut and because He loves us and now we love Him we will obediently close those too.  Eventually because we chose Jesus who is Himself the Way, we should end up right where God wants us.... right?  Haha I didn't keep it that simple because I just confused myself.

Try to go to sleep round 2... I wish my brain had an off switch.