Purgatory

"Do I fear the unknown more than I fear this place?"

Located between heaven and hell.  It is neither bad nor good yet has resemblances and characteristics of both.  It involves a process of purification... a being made ready for Heaven.  Is that where I am now?  Is that technically what earth is?  A place we wait and are purified before we depart or our Savior returns.  Sometimes I feel like that defines this season of my life.  An ebb and flow of emotions that leave me always questioning and wondering.  Some days I am fine.  Is that in itself a sign of purification... that I am trusting God... being patient... growing, learning, developing.  Or is that a negative sign... have I been lulled to sleep... have I been lied to... have I become complacent here without chasing my dream?  Other days I am not fine, I become filled with anger, frustration, and bitterness.  Is that bad?  Does it mean I do not trust God?  That I am living in my circumstances and I'm missing the bigger picture?  or  Is it good because it motivates me?  Awakens me from my slumber and makes me hungry for more?  Then a flash of hope, a glimpse of change arises but I hesitate to reach for it.  Why?  Like someone institutionalized in prison, am I now just a shell of who I once was?  Do I fear the unknown more than I fear this place?  This state of mind... this season.
The pros and cons lists are already formulating in my mind.  It is only a matter of time until they find their way onto paper.  The church, the bible study, the lifting club, the closeness to friends and family vs the dependence on my parents, the lack of freedom, embarrassment, the feeling of being left behind, forgotten, the loneliness, and who could for get my friends anger and frustration.  Length of lists does not determine the winner, no, it is quality over quantity.  Will I even have the choice?  Honestly, I'd rather not choose but be forced into the one that is right for me.  Be left with one option is better than making a choice and wondering what could have been.  Maybe my sentence here is not up yet, part of me is ok with that... the part that fears the unknown, hates change, and is reluctant to start over again... new job, new church, new friends.  That part loves routine, consistency, planning, control, and predictability.  Another part of me seeks escape.  It longs for adventure, freedom, independence, maybe even pride.  It hates the embarrassment, the dependence, the restriction... it fuels the anger and frustration.  Neither part seems to be biblical.  Both are sinful.

So here I lay.  Torn between the two.