I was talking to a friend today, he's having his second daughter. I still can't believe he is a dad. Then I remember he has been a dad for 2 years! Now he's about to have another kid. I asked him about work and he told me he hates his job, he wishes he was back in middle school. I've been wishing I was back in high school a lot lately. I don't know what that means but I'm pretty sure its never good to desire to live in the past. I hate all these big decisions I'm faced with. My mind and heart are being pulled in so many different directions that I have no idea which way is up or down. I have conversations with myself as I walk down the street.
I could stay here but I really don't like it here. Then why would you stay here? I feel a sense of loyalty, devotion, and maybe even love towards my athletes. I have made somewhat of a home here. But they aren't going to let you keep working with those athletes. The two closest friend you have here, you already knew before you moved here. You don't have a church home. Then I'll leave. You'll have to start over making friends, getting to know athletes, coworkers, the area, and visiting churches. Remember how much you hated it here the first year. You remember how bad that was don't you? Fine, I'll go home. I need a vacation anyway. I need rest and I haven't been home in long time. I'll get to visit some friends. You'll be unemployed. You'll have fun for a week or two but then you'll feel like a loser. What are you going to do? Work at a restaurant? A grocery store? Be a personal trainer? Go to community college? Come on man you aren't going to do any of those things. What should I do then? I don't know but you better figure it out quick. Summer is over. You don't want to stay but you don't want to leave... what's wrong with you? I don't know.
I get so attached to my athletes. I almost think its a bad thing. Maybe its a selfish attachment. I would hate to leave them, it would hurt me so bad. A lot more than it would hurt them... a lot more than they would ever understand. I know they would be fine, left in perfectly capable hands... maybe thats what hurts, they don't need me. I know they would be fine, I've done this before when I left NC State... maybe thats what hurts, I know they'll move on and one day they won't miss me. One day we'll be strangers. Time is a weird thing. It can turn strangers into friends and friends into strangers. But if I stay to avoid that pain, I won't even be able to work with them. I don't like the idea of that. Again I know they'd be fine and in more than capable hands but it would eat away at me. Maybe thats selfish but I'm just being honest. I don't know how to explain it, I put so much time and energy into them. More than just physical time and energy, I invested my heart and emotions into them. I think that's what makes me a good coach but I think it is also what is causing me so much heartache now. They are why I do what I do. Without them its just the same old same old... teaching people to pick things up and put them down... having people run when you blow a whistle... they are what makes this job special, unique, fun. I would feel disloyal, like a traitor... like I abandoned them, used them to move up. As if baseball is more important because its a revenue sport, its more appealing, of a higher status. I don't care about that. I care about the kids. Moving sports and leaving them behind relays the same message the administration sends them, the very message I try to fight everyday... You don't really matter, you're just a stepping stone, no one cares about you. I hate that. I love them. I care... to a point that I'm almost sick. I can't sleep. I'm eating less and gaining weight, an indication that I'm stressed out.
And then there's God. David Platt's messages kill me inside. They are so heavy. Probably because its the Holy Spirit speaking through his willing mouth. I wrestle with God so much, why don't I trust Him? I trust Him to save me eternally but not to lead me? I won't follow Him, I selfishly... willingly disobey Him. Why do I do that? I know its not good. Why does my heart resist Him? I wish it wouldn't. I don't know how to let go, submit, surrender, obey. People always say to do those things and it makes me mad because I don't know how. Wheres the button I push? Wheres the papers to sign over my rights? What does it look like in life to do that on a day to day basis? I need examples. I need direction. I need help. The American dream so deeply rooted in my heart. It's wrong. I must reject it constantly, but its so hard... I need the constant encouragement of the Holy Spirit and my brothers and sisters in Christ. I don't really have that here. I look around at other Christians lives but I shouldn't do that, God's plan is unique. For them living in obedience to God may look radically different from my life. I can't follow them, I must follow Him. Why did God lead me to strength and conditioning? Or did I stray towards it? Is this just where I wanted to go? Am I wandering through the wilderness while He is persistently trying to show me the promise land? I am so tired. Not a tired that can be cured by a vacation, although I think that might help. I am emotionally and spiritually tired. I don't know what to do or where to go. I feel like I am confused and am constantly battling, trying to justify my selfish desires with the Lord. I just want to fall asleep... escape into a dream and when I wake up know the answers to all these questions. Finally know how to let go, trust God with my life, and be a good and faithful servant.
I have stupid dreams and foolish desires. I want to be a strength coach. I want to make American Open and US Nationals before 2016. I want a family... a wife and maybe eventually children. I eventually want to open a non-profit gym and teach weightlifting to underprivileged kids. It's my version of the American dream. Where is God in all that? Could I say that apart from God I am capable of nothing so if those desires, passions, and ideas are in my heart, is it possible that God put them there? Or am I justifying? Trying to persuade God by saying I'll use things I like to do or want to do as a way to spread His gospel. Weightlifting is so dumb when viewed through an eternal lens, why do I love it so much? Why am I so attached to it? I think it, like anything else, can be a tool for the gospel but is that how God wants to use me? Is that His goal for this piece of clay? God is good and I know that because if I saw a jar of clay that looked like me I'd smash it with my war hammer, instead He keeps trying to make something out of me. I'm thankful for that. Can you imagine clay that wrestled with a potter? Maybe I do have ADD. Maybe that is why coffee doesn't work... maybe my brain is too jacked up all the time anyways. I'm not going to proofread this because every time I do I write another paragraph, so forgive me I am sure there are lots of errors.
all i want is for you to be happy
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