Headaches and Nyquil

Things have been really up in the air for me lately but recently I got some news that gave me a little more direction.  I know that I will not be living in Auburn after the next few weeks.  My friend Phil was giving me a hard time and jokingly said this (Auburn) is your home now and as much as I hate to admit it, he's right.  But now I'm moving, to where I don't know.  It looks like either College Park, Maryland (hopefully) or home to Greenville, NC.  Starting over.  Its a combination of so many emotions that I don't know what it feels like.  As I'm looking at the boxes and emptiness in my room that is soon to become Phil's, I wonder where I'm about to be in a few days.  The space left by my packed belongings has been replaced by questions.  They are many and they are heavy.  They swirl around inside my head as the fan in room my oscillates.  They cause synapses in my brain to fire all throughout the night.  I wish my brain had an off switch.  The questions send me in search of an off switch, Mike's bottle of nyquil should do the trick... it is empty from last night's tossing and turning.  I stare at the ceiling, I stare at the computer screen... hoping to find answers or at least distractions but there are none.

I know that I won't miss Auburn the town or Auburn the university or Auburn the athletic department.  I will miss the people I worked with and for.  I will miss the athletes... I will miss them more than they will ever know or understand.  I love them like my family.  Maybe it hurts leaving because they won't be a part of my life anymore.  Maybe it hurts leaving because they don't feel the same.  Or maybe it hurts because I know their busy lives will go on and mine is possibly headed for a standstill.  Unemployment.  No reason to get up anymore.  No athletes to train.  No one to inspire.  No one to convince hitting yourself in the pelvis with a bar is a good thing.  No one's day to brighten.  Nothing.  Loser.  Failure.  I know I'm not those things... prove it... I can't.

I will miss my roommates.  I will miss Mike aka Leisure Mike aka Dad aka Miguel Jorgé Pasada aka Big Kahuna aka Red Gator.  He is the man.  The nicest, calmest, humblest, most patient person I've ever met.  I will miss that guy for sure.  Probably my best friend.  I've never gotten annoyed with him once.  I even try to annoy him but it doesn't work, he's too calm.  I wish we had the chance to work together.  I mean we did work together but I mean in a scenario where we were in charge.  I think we would be awesome.  We were in the summer of 2009 and knowing what we know now we'd be unstoppable.  But that will have to wait.  Maybe it will never happen.  I don't know but I going to miss that guy.  I know our friendship isn't over but its going to be weird not being around him.

There will be an enormous void left in my life.  I'm losing coaching, all my athletes, and several close  friends.  I'm losing the feeling of being somewhat important, valued, and respected.  But I have to control what I can control.  I have to control my attitude.  I have to battle these questions.  I have to battle my doubts and fears.  I know I'm not alone, I know God is with me.  I know He cares for me.  I know He wants good for me.  He is using this right now to grow and strengthen my faith and relationship with Him.  He is using it for good.  He is using it for His glory.  I'm still not at the point in my walk, like James, where I can be joyful about times like these but hopefully I'm on the path towards that.  I must stay my mind on Him.  Then I will find peace, He knows all the answers to the questions that constantly annoy my mind.  I must trust Him.  I must follow Him.  Lord teach me how to trust you.  Teach me to follow you.  Nyquil is a temporary off switch, trust in God is true rest and peace.